Do you find yourself feeling lonely in your marriage, or emotionally distant from your spouse? It’s not necessarily uncommon to feel disconnected, but this shouldn’t go on too long. Today, I’ve invited Julie to share how to overcome emotional disconnection in your marriage. I trust this will encourage you as it has been a blessing to me!
Why did you get married?
Think about this question for a few moments.
When I think about the reason why I chose my groom, I think about a few things.
- Spending my life with someone I loved.
- Companionship: Someone I wanted to grow old with.
- Safety and Security
- Sexual intimacy
- Partnership to raise kids
Through the years, we might have forgotten the whys of the purpose for our marriage. The stresses of life seem to do their best to get us off-track.
But the fact of the matter is, God designed us to need marriage and need our partners.
How To Overcome Emotional Disconnection In Your Marriage
God’s Purpose for Marriage
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” (Genesis 2:18, NLT).
Adam had God, the Garden of Eden, which provided security and safety, and yet God desired for Adam to not be alone in life.
God knew that life is more enjoyable when we have someone to share our experiences with.
Because God knew of the future fall into sin, He knew that Adam would need a support system as Adam dealt with the struggles and problems of life.
It’s the same with us. God knows we do better when we have someone encouraging us and holding us up in the good and hard things of life.
Of course, sin keeps us from experiencing the close relationship God had planned for us in the Garden.
For so many of us, we’ve forgotten this purpose of our marriage.
The Problems When We Forget the Purpose of Marriage
We might live together, but we’re on different emotional planes in life. We just aren’t connecting in the intimacy department in our union.
My husband doesn’t get me. My wife is so emotional; I just can’t keep up with her.
Maybe you’ve felt these feelings or heard these words from others.
Lots of marriages are missing the mark on connecting on this very important part of their marriages. By the way, it’s one of God’s purposes for our marriages.
This lack of connection can drive wedges in our marriages and actually cause a spouse to seek out another connection outside of the marriage union to get their needs met.
The reason emotional support is so important:
- To comfort us when life is hard
- Give us security when our world seems to be falling apart
- Help give us advice when we aren’t sure what to do or how to feel
- Communication (aka talking) in marriage is important
When we get this connection with someone, we’re encouraged, feel supported and valued. If this isn’t the definition of love, I don’t know what is.
Overcoming Our Differences for the Well-Being of Marriage
Differences exist between males and females, and I’m sure you’ve already noticed it. While it can be an initial obstacle, with intentionality and change of perspective, it can be overcome for the benefit of the marriage.
The truth is, women are more comfortable giving and receiving emotional support.
Hang around with women long enough, and we see how cued women are with each other. It doesn’t take long for women to open up and share with the result beingshedding of tears, hugs, and communication regarding emotions.
For the most part, males are less prone to talk, are just not as attuned to emotions, and pay less attention to distress.
But, hold it right here!
Both men and women are made in the image of God with different tasks and roles, so while it might sometimes seem like a mismatch of sorts, God uses these differences to refine and grow us.
Finding the Happy Medium in Emotional Connection
The ways we deal with emotions differ too.
Males tend to be problem fixers and are constantly looking to fix the problem. Women many times are just looking for sympathy and empathy: a connection of I understand and I feel for you.
The rubbing of sandpaper happens in our relationships when our man wants to provide the solution and we just want a hug, cuddles, understanding, and a conversation creating a connection.
As women, sometimes, we make our spouses jump through hoops trying to get them to figure out what is bothering us. Our best action is to just tell them directly what we’re experiencing and what we need them to do.
When our men realize that we just want them to listen, we build a connection that will be reciprocal in the future.
This connection is key if we want to support each other in our marriage the way God intended.
It’s also important to remember that we first share with our spouse before we seek others. God wants us to rely on our marriage partner first.
If we need further wisdom as we work on this, God promises to help us.
Here’s the beautiful truth, just because you’ve been on different emotional planes in the past doesn’t mean you can’t make connections in the future.
5 Actions Steps When We Need Support from our Spouses
- Ask God to help your emotional connection with your spouse
- Share what you’re feeling directly
- Ask your husband to just listen
- Pray together
- Rely on your husband
Relying on God As We Get Back to the Purpose of Marriage
As in anything else, allow grace to your spouse as they leave their comfort zone of default reactions or actions. Remember how often God gives us grace when we make mistakes and mess up.
The fact is: our marriages are a work in progress and the important point is the action to overcome and change how our relationships were.
If you are looking for more help to make a successful marriage.
(James 1:5, NLT).
5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.
I don’t know about you, but I want security in my marriage and support from my husband with whatever I’m going through.
The reason we feel like we want our husbands to get us is God designed us this way.
God wants us to rely on our spouses and for them to rely on us.
We can learn how to connect emotionally when we take the time and intentionality to get better at listening, supporting, and encouraging each other through all of life.
Julie Loos is the mom of 5 kids and has been happily married to Greg for 19 years.
She loves to read, eat chocolate, drink iced tea and spend time writing in the midst of messes.
You can find her blog at www.unmaskingthemess.com, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.