I Thought I Knew Brokenness

A few weeks ago I wrote Beauty in Brokenness.  Two days later, my world, as I knew it, was falling apart in front of my eyes.  I had no idea, as I was writing that post, of just how much I would need those words for myself.  So much of what I write is for all of you, as I share my life stories and experiences and any bits of wisdom that I might have.  I thought I knew brokenness, but I’m really just learning.

 

I thought I knew brokenness - but I found more of Jesus. God's promise to never leave us or forsake us holds true, even when marriage goes bad.

This post isn’t going to answer your questions about my brokenness – I’m not there yet.  (Please *do* know, though, that we are all healthy, and this is just a personal issue that I am struggling through right now, and in the end, all will be well – because God is here!)

What I am hoping to do here is express a little more of my heart.

In Beauty in Brokenness I shared about how we are broken – but wanted by God; imperfect – yet chosen; we’re claimed, tended and so we flourish.

This has been so evident in my life the past two weeks.  I’ve been through every emotion that I could imagine.

I have been in a pit, one that I didn’t put myself into, and one I never wanted to be in.  I have wondered where God was and how this could possibly happen to me, even though I realized that the problem was not mine and I owned no part of the problem.  Still, how could God let this happen to me?

But – this situation is not about me.  It is about someone I love, and God.  It touches my life because I love this person, but it is not a punishment for anything I have done, and it’s not a reflection of who I am.

And when I realized that, I found God.

Everywhere.

“…because God has said,
‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'”
-Hebrews 13:5

From the immediate help of the only ones who could truly help me, to the kindness and support of friends who did not understand but came when called.  God was there.

God was in the building I had never visited before, with a person I never intended to have to speak with in my entire life, who paid a debt he did not owe, as a symbol of kindness to my family.

God was in a parking lot at a location I’d never been before.  Not only was He there, but He was there in the form of a couple who had been together forever.  I watched as the husband lovingly took care of the wife – his Veronica.  She had some physical and mental issues, but there he was, years later, loving his Veronica.  I can’t tell you how much God was in that meeting.

God was in the park where we had dinner with a friend who offered some much-needed support.  God was even there late at night, when I could not sleep, and needed a couple of friends.

I was in the pit.  I was reaching for hope as I sank farther into the pit.  So alone.  Desperate to wake up from the nightmare, yet realizing that wouldn’t happen.  Careful to protect my children, willing them to unsee what their eyes and hearts had to see.  Gasping for breath when the world fell down around me, searching for any part of my heart that was not crushed.  Vehemently stuffing every emotion I felt, in order to make it through a day.  Begging for sleep to come, though my heart and mind would not stop.  Desperate.  Sinking.  Broken.  Ferociously grasping for any hope.  Alone.

 

And yet, not at all alone. 

And as I hit the bottom – the place I never planned to be – do you know what I found?

Hope.  Not hope, but Hope.  Capital H, Hope.  Because hitting the bottom means that I landed in the arms of Hope.

And Hope gathers all the pieces of brokenness, carefully cleans them off, lovingly looks at each individual piece, and gently crafts the pieces back together.  It’s not the same.  What’s been broken can never be put back together without evidence of the damage.

It can’t be the same.  I won’t be the same, not ever again.

But by the grace that Jesus brings, the broken can be better.

As God takes my heart, my life, and picks up the pieces that have broken, He is carefully cleaning each jagged and broken piece.  He is smoothing the rough edges, He is pouring His love into my life as the glue that will hold each piece together.  He is holding me, piece by piece, as I wait on Him to make me whole.

And that’s what God does – and that’s what He promises to do.

I thought I knew brokenness.

I found more of Jesus!

 

 

Comments

  1. Oh my, Becky, you have my prayers…..please know I am thinking of and praying for you!
    If you need to talk, even tho we can’t get together over coffee, call me. 613 403 – 4138

    Despite the sadness, I have to tell you the beauty of this piece as well as the content within has moved me to tears. You really have a gift.

    Chris Capolino recently posted…Theme Thursday “Orange” 10/17/13My Profile

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    Rebekah Reply:

    Love you, friend! And someday, when this is all “a closed book” I will share more. I appreciate you so much, and I know that God has a purpose and a story for me to tell, on the other side of all of this! Thank you for your kind words!!

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  2. Oh, this was so good for me to read. Our family received quite a shock this week, and I’m hurting so badly for one of my loved ones. She, also, will never be the same. Others who are impacted will never be the same. It’s been hard to swallow that God would allow a blow like this after the year we’ve had. But we, too, find Hope in this most terrible and wounding situation. I pray she will see God everywhere as you have!
    Jen Stults recently posted…Halloween Redemption?My Profile

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    Rebekah Reply:

    I’m so sorry to hear this – my heart hurts for others who are getting desperate news. Through all that is going on, and while I begin to heal, I am constantly feeling a tremendous peace – completely overwhelming. It reminds me of a line from a David Crowder Band song – “If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking..” Praying for your friend and trusting that God brings this same peace to her heart as well.

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  3. I have been there too. I know. My thoughts: http://foglemanforerunner.com/2011/11/24/diamonds/

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    Rebekah Reply:

    Thank you, Dawnita. I know, without a doubt, that God is working in this situation. Thank you for sharing that post with me – yes, I’m feeling very much like others have large diamond hearts, and I have small pieces. But God…He does the work. His work is beautiful and He uses who we are to bless others. Thank YOU for blessing me!

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  4. 🙂 I will definitely keep you in my prayers over this next year.
    Dawnita Fogleman recently posted…Five Tips for Stress-free Reading LessonsMy Profile

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    Rebekah Reply:

    Thank you!!

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  5. i’m glad God helped you…
    Madeleine Giorgio recently posted…Family Survival SystemMy Profile

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  6. I’m not sure exactly how I came across your blog. Obviously God put it in front of me, I just wish I remembered which blog or post I first found. But what I do know is that it was definitely God who led me here. I myself am in a period of brokenness and disappointment much like what you are describing. This post and another that was about “Do Not Move” so perfectly put words to the emotional and spiritual journey I am currently on. Thank you for being a vessel of blessing, pouring from yourself so that others will see Gods grace shining through the dark and broken moments…

    [Reply]

    Rebekah Reply:

    Hi Paula! Thank you for such kind words. It’s a long road, isn’t it? But those long roads can be where we draw closest to God. It’s a blessing when God gives us words, life experiences that allow us to bless others. Thank you for sharing with me today! Blessings!

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  7. Nichole Carter says:

    The title of this post on Pinterest is what grabbed me. As I began reading it, although you did not divulge what it was that had left you so broken, I knew. I knew because your words described my own brokenness to a T. It has been nearly 2 years since that devastating day of discovery. I see that this post was written several months before that, so you are a little further ahead in the healing process than I am. I am going to search your blog to try and find the “rest of the story” to see where you are today and how you got there. I would never wish this kind of pain on any one, but it is always so good to be reminded that I am not alone. Thank you for your beautiful words. May God continue to bless you in all you do.

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