When Forgiveness Is Difficult

There have been many opportunities for forgiveness in our home this week, which means so many things going wrong. Our son has been struggling again, and it all came to a head this week. He recently finished another intensive - 10 days of Occupational Therapy in a row. Along with the turmoil that can cause, there is evidence of spring everywhere and that may be causing his allergies to bother him. There are many possible reasons for his tough week - and I would take away every single one of them, if I could.

But I can’t. And that’s where life gets messy for all of us.

I wouldn’t trade anything about who my son is, but sometimes, I wish things were easier for him. I know that if his struggles are maddening to me, they must be so difficult for him. He’s not able to verbalize just what the problem is in the middle of a meltdown.

This week was worse than most, though. His actions were *far* over the top. His emotions were in *full* swing, and I was back to just making sure he was safe. While his emotions and meltdowns are difficult, and often leave me feeling at a loss, the inability to help him in times like this are frustrating. As a parent, you want to help your child, and when you cannot, it’s awful. And when things get difficult like they have been, it’s hard to forgive. I’m sure it’s hard for him to ask for forgiveness - humility doesn’t come easily to many people.

But there was more. This week he spoke some of the most harsh and unkind words he’s ever uttered to me. Insult to injury. And in those moments, I’m convinced he had no idea what he was saying, yet it caused me so much pain.

And so I watched, and I waited. I protected him from himself. I tried to remain emotionless through it all so as not to feed his frenzy. For almost an hour, the noise, the shouting, the meltdown continued. The words hurt, the attitude and actions hurt, and by the end of it all, my frustration was building.

He calmed down for a class he had to attend, and later we went back to those words. When I told him that his words hurt me so badly, he had a look that seemed to indicate that he had no idea what he had said. He immediately said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You’re such a good mommy.”

That made me mad - not mad at him. I was so thankful that his immediate response was to apologize.

It made me mad at my unforgiving spirit. I wanted to be mad at that child. No one would have blamed me.

But as I gave him a hug and kiss and offered my forgiveness (begrudgingly!), I was immediately convicted. When I go to God with my sin or disobedience and ask His forgiveness, does He offer it begrudgingly to me, His child? No, not at all. Instead His forgiveness is immediately granted, and freely given. That is my benefit, as God’s child - that is the benefit for any of us who ask God’s forgiveness.

Yet here I was, unable to pass along the same gift to my own child. My attitude changed - it had to. That’s the thing about conviction: you can feel the conviction and do nothing, or you can let it help change you to who you need to be.

I’m not perfect - I’m not going to be able to do the right thing, the first time, every time. But I’m glad that I had this opportunity to remember how quickly God provides His forgiveness, and to strive to do better the next time.

Original Source, Photo 1

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