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Of Cars, Renoir & Glass Bottles

(Alternate title for this post: The One Where I Thank My Husband)

This past weekend was unusual. I had no responsibilities at church, we had a wide open weekend. We pondered taking the kids somewhere on Sunday, if we got things done on Saturday.

And then, it happened. Friday night, the coughing, sneezing, sore throat, runny nose hit. Me. Now I’m not useless, even when sick, but sore throats - well, you’ve probably been there, too. Talking is painful and that makes everything else seem so much more difficult. Especially when my 3 kids determined that they seemed to need a LOT of talking to before we even got to 9am on Saturday.

I spent a lot of the day resting. And drinking lots.

On Friday night, Tim had mentioned the possibility of seeing the car show while it was in town. This interests me about as much as watching paint dry. And honestly, watching paint dry might actually interest me *more* in some circumstances. Actually, I probably would have enjoyed the car show, especially if I’d “made up my mind to have a decent time” (the line I tell Picasso when he needs an attitude adjustment at an outing).

We decided that the rest was doing me good, and that Tim would take the kids to church Sunday morning, then head down to the auto show. On Sunday morning, I packed lunches for them all, and tried to think of all the “little things” that might help to make this outing a success for them.

There were a few minor hiccups and Picasso had a few “moments” due to a)something new and different, and b)me not going along. Where was I? Hangin’ out on the couch with my faithful Sunday companions:

Tea, honey, cough drops, tissues, Tylenol, Vitamin C, and Renoir - pretty good company!

At one point, Tim called as they were walking to head into the exhibit. Seems Picasso was pushing to gather some “rememberances” of the outing. Tim said, “He wants the wet match book or the Heineken bottle. He said you told him he could collect glass bottles.” At that moment, I had forgotten that I had said he could collect glass bottles. I told him he needed to stop giving Daddy such a hard time and go see the cars. I got him settled, and apparently the rest of the outing went just fine.

A few hours later, I remembered: Picasso and I *had* talked about the possibility of him collecting glass bottles. But in MY mind, it’d be ones we’re done with here, or cool ones that he finds at the Dollar Store or out somewhere. However, I never did specify that. Probably because I NEVER expected he’d be walking through Philadelphia wanting to pick up some bottle that was just lying on the side of the road.

Note to Self:
Next time, specify that we’ll buy or find *appropriate* items that he might want to collect.
Bottles left by the side of the road are never appropriate to gather unless you have gloves and intend to recycle them.
But the real point of this post is that about a year or so ago, this trip would have been impossible, because of Picasso’s issues. I’m learning to step back and kind of force him to deal with others - but in a non-threatening sort of way. He’s doing a lot better at it. I think he’s at a place where he knows he’ll be ok, and that he can try new things.
But even so, the real, REAL point of this post is that my husband rocks! This did *not* turn out to be the outing to the car show that he was hoping for. He didn’t get to look at the cars as much as he hoped. But - he loaded up 3 kids, one of whom struggles greatly with Daddy, and he took them to the city, to a car show, with LOTS of people. He left me in good care at home (Renoir and the tea), gave me almost 8 whole hours to rest my throat, and he had FUN with the kids. They were all chuckling when they told me about the show: “We saw a car; we each had a turn in the front seat, and then the driver seat pretending to drive, and then the back seat. Sometimes we sat in the trunk. Then, on to the next car.”
It was at that point that I was pretty sure that it was a slightly different experience than what Tim had hoped for. He likes to read about the cars and find out about them. But he had a great time, and was a hero to me because today I feel so much better! So, Tim, thanks so much! I rested well, feel much better today, and the kids had a blast with you! Thanks for being a great dad to our kids, and for hanging in there with Picasso. It’s a rough road, and possibly toughest for you, but thanks for being there when he is finally able to have a decent relationship with you. All the kids adore you (have you noticed? You know…as they HANG on you when you come home at night, or can’t wait to wake you up on the weekends? Or have a bazillion and 5 activities in mind for you to help them with?), and we’ve been blessed with some wonderful “little people” in our lives, to love us.
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One For the Record Books

Picasso vs. New Situation:
Picasso: 1, New Situation: 0
Picasso vs. Indoor Play Area (confined space)
Picasso: 1, Indoor Play Area: 0
Picasso vs. Having to Wear Socks
Picasso: 1, Socks Getting Taken Off: 0
(meaning that, even though he wanted to take his socks off because his feet were hot, he reacted well when told to put them on. Kudos to my friend for pointing out that SOCKS ON was Rule #3. As soon as he read that, Picasso ran by another kid who was taking his socks off & said, “Hey, that’s Rule #3, you have to keep your SOCKS ON.” Pot, kettle, black…)
Picasso vs. Having to apologize to someone he hit
Picasso: 1, Apology: 0 (meaning he *did* apologize & didn’t fall apart when told to apologize)
(although, his apology went something like this: “Sorry I hit you; but if you didn’t kick me, I would not have hit you.” - yeah, he tells it like it is)
Picasso vs. Other kids to watch out for / not bump into
Picasso: 1, Other kids: 0
(meaning, he bumped / ran into other kids minimally)
Picasso vs. The dreaded “It’s time to go home”
Picasso: 1, “Time to go”: 0
(he came the first time, no tears, no frustration, sweaty and red in the face from 2 hours of running & playing)
Our playdates don’t usually go this well. Our times alone at the playground may go just about this well, but he had a time-out the last time I took them to the playground with just his siblings.
I was worried about how this playdate would go - Picasso had a long week, with a lot of GREAT things happening. He asked a therapist “why” his words made her feel happy - he is beginning to intellectually understand that his words have an effect on someone. He also admitted to mistakes this week - something he never does. That was also new, and HUGE. So when the Friday afternoon playdate came around, I was prepared for a kid who couldn’t participate well due to exhaustion and the confines of an indoor play area.
Instead, I was *so proud* when he did not fight me when I made him apologize to another girl (who never did apologize to him for kicking him, according to Picasso). I was amazed at how well he participated with our friends and with the other kids there. I had to chuckle when I heard him, at the top of the play equipment, calling to someone we didn’t know: “Hey, little girrrrrrrrrrrrl, are you coming back?” Hilarious! Mozart would have asked her what her name was, and called her by name. Not Picasso - why bother with trivialities like that when you can just play? (Yes, we have a little way to go in our social skills, but this was quite adequate for the situation.)
This was all a HUGE win for him, for me, for us. I think I was as proud yesterday, after all this, as the day he took his first steps, or the day he said his first word. Everything about this outing was appropriate (except maybe the hitting, but he’s 7, I can understand *why* he hit - of course it’s not ok, but he handled the minor reprimand & apology with great ease).
Bonus? Yes, it gets even better!
I had a CONVERSATION with my friend. You know - back and forth discussion and sharing of stories and where we are in life and homeschool and kids and everything else we could squeeze into almost 2 hours together. I walked away from the playdate proud - of all 3 kids. I am so blessed! I also came away refreshed and happy to have had a chat with a grown-up. Never underestimate the joy of talking to another grown-up!
Best of all, though, I have faith that we’ll be able to have another successful playdate based on the results of this one. Play is a tough thing for my guy to learn, especially playing *with* someone. But yesterday, he was just a typical 7-year old, running, playing, climbing, suggesting games to play, and hanging out with friends.
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Owning Up

One of the things we’ve struggled with, in Picasso’s life, is getting him to own up to a mistake/error/wrong-doing. It’s not like we’re out to point out all his faults. But, for example, when he comes down with Sharpie all over one of his blankets, or a gash cut out of another, I can *guarantee* you that he did this. But, for the life of me, I cannot get him to ‘fess up. It’s a process; I get that. It’s been a long process.

I think some of it has involoved him becoming very comfortable at his therapy center, and to really trust that the grown-ups in his life DO have a purpose and CAN be trusted. (We’ve only been there 1 year 10 months…sure don’t want to rush these things.) ;-)

Anyway, there’s been a lot of talk across different therapists, us as his parents, other adults in his life - all to get him to realize that everyone makes mistakes. And everyone can say, “I’m sorry” without fear of (I don’t even know what he might fear, so I don’t know what to say there - punishment, retribution…?).

For awhile now, we’ve been pointing out things like, “Hey, look, I put the bowls where the cups belong. I made a mistake - oops!, sorry about that!” He’s noticed, giggled at our silliness and gone on his merry little way. Or maybe we’ll say something like, “She got mad and threw something. So she sat in time-out, picked up what she threw and said she was sorry. And he said that he forgave her and they kept playing happily.” Things just to get him to notice that things turn out all right, and people we love will always forgive us.

Today, Picasso had an online class with his teacher. They were talking by phone while doing some reading comprehension work over the computer. Picasso got through the reading well, but had a little trouble with the comprehension. For one story, he completely messed up the re-telling.

{We had this same test last year, and a messed up re-telling like the one he had today, caused us to have to reschedule the remainder of the test for another day because he couldn’t bounce back.}
I was flashing back to last year as I heard his teacher ask if he wanted to go back to the story and review. (He had the same teacher last year, so she knew what to expect…). He said yes. That, in and of itself, shocked me. SHOCKED. He was so convinced that he was right that he wanted to go back to prove it - but he wasn’t being mean about it; he was just SURE of what he read.
Back to the story they went. He re-read the part he wanted to tell her about. And then, it happened.
He realized he was wrong.
I was prepared to grab the phone to prevent him hanging up. I had one hand by the computer to prevent him slamming it shut. I was positioning myself to block his get-away avenue.
He had his moment of realization, and he replied in a way that caught me off-guard.
His reply?
“Oh. My bad!”
After I realized we were ok, I picked my jaw up off the floor; I went back to trying to appear nonchalant. I did the BIGGEST happy dance ever, in my head. When I talked with the teacher she, too, was prepared for the worst, remembering back to last year’s fiasco. She was THRILLED at this progress, but also let me know that after his reply, she asked if he wanted to talk about that story anymore, to which he gave a hearty, “NEXT story!”
So he admitted his mistake, but would spend no time dwelling on it - and that was ok. The victory was the admission.
That would’ve made my day. That would’ve been plenty and I would’ve posted this with a full heart.
But can I tell you? My cup runneth over!
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Your Heart’s Eyes

Yesterday, we were at Picasso’s therapy. Somehow, our Princess & I got on the topic of eyes. I think it was as we looked at the eyes of some of the toys she brought along to help pass the time.

Her: Do bugs have eyes?
Me: Yes.
Her: And people have eyes?
Me: Yes.
Her: Do cars have eyes?
Me: No, they don’t.
Her: But the headlights look like eyes. Do houses have eyes?
Me: No, only people and animals have eyes.
Her: (trying to be silly…) Do our teeth have eyes?
Me: Of course not, silly girl!
Her: (thinking…) Does our heart have eyes?
Me: No, baby…eyes are on someone’s face.
Her: (thinking even more now…) Then why do we sing that song?
Me: What song?
Her: That song at church - “Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lord.”
Me: Wow. Um, well, do you think it means eyes like the ones on our face?
Her: No, because our heart doesn’t have eyes.
Me: Right. So what do you think the song means?
Her: Well, our hearts pump blood. But Jesus lives in our hearts, too.
Me: That’s right; our heart pumps blood for our body to live. And Jesus lives in our hearts if we ask him to.
But does that mean his body comes and lives inside our hearts?
Her: No, his body is in heaven, but He fills our hearts.
Me: That’s right; His Spirit comes and lives in our heart. So why do you think the song talks about the “eyes of our heart”? We know our heart doesn’t have eyes, so it’s not talking about the heart that pumps blood.
Her: Maybe so our spirit heart can see Jesus better.
Me: I think you’re right - I think it’s a way to think about getting to know Jesus more.
Her: Yes, I think you’re right.

Grateful for hearts that are set on heavenly things.

Photo Source

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Not Broken, Not Fixing

Over the years, Picasso’s issues and his “outbursts” (whether verbal or physical) have caused us a lot of frustration. This is a kid who would fly into a blind rage, and would destroy things - always someone else’s things, never (or, very rarely) his own. How he can be SO angry, but manage to always choose someone else’s things to destroy is amazing to me.

Our other two kids have lost a good number of items to Picasso’s issues and rage. They’ve been relatively good sports about it - they’ve expressed some frustration, anger, sadness over the loss of toys. However, they’ve always forgiven, always let Picasso come back to play with them. I’m quite proud of them, because I know it hasn’t been easy for them.

This all brings me to a thought I’ve heard discussed on several forums and with some friends. It’s a tough question and one that I’d like to answer “Yes…and also No,” but that wouldn’t be an appropriate answer. The question:

If possible, would you want to change your child so they didn’t struggle with Asperger Syndrome?
Loaded question. Who *wouldn’t* want things “changed/fixed” for their child? Who wouldn’t want life to be typical, and normal, and carefree, and … easy? Um, yes please.
But, what if the sensory issues, the Asperger syndrome, the auditory processing problems, and all his other little quirks are for a reason? What if they are the reasons I love him so much? What if those exact things are the tools he needs, to be who he’s supposed to be in life? Yes, I believe that things happen for a reason, and I believe that God knew all about Picasso and all about us, long before Tim & I were an “us” or long before Picasso was ours.
If it were possible that I could “fix” his issues and never have to deal with the things that he struggles with, would I?
{I’ve been working on this post for over an hour. Sidetracked by all sorts of things - paper airplanes, Moonlight Sonata, screaming, someone’s frustration, the need for “Keep Out” signs to be posted on bedroom doors - ok, not “need”, but “want”. The distractions have given me time to consider my thoughts that will be written below, even more. Upon this extended time of consideration, I feel fully confident moving ahead with what I’ll share below.}
If I could, would I “fix” my kid’s issues and things he struggles with?
I’d love for him not to struggle with these things. I’d love for him to understand social cues, to have no motor planning issues. I’d love to change things so that he is understood better by others - to help him fit in better. Hence, this blog. Also, this blog where I’m posting a lot about what I’m learning through all of this.
But as to the “fixing”?
He’s not broken. You can’t fix what isn’t broken.
You can improve on skills that are lacking, which we’re doing with him,
but you can’t fix what’s not broken.
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Remembering

Sometimes I forget…

*that almost everything needs to be taught, like

  • keep your hands to yourself.
  • keep things out of your mouth.
  • let me see your eyes.
  • yes, you do have to brush your teeth today - and every other day, too.
  • use your words - ANY words.
  • spitting at a person is not ok. spitting outside is tolerable, but I know you don’t get the difference. Yet.
  • when you hear your name, you’re supposed to answer - or look - or acknowledge, in some way. Please. Especially when running toward the parking lot.
  • yes, we’re doing the same thing again - every Sunday. like clockwork. like we’ve always done. why the meltdown, again?

*that not much in life comes easily
*that you need to be reminded to pay attention
*that “keeping up” with the conversation is so, so hard
*that food should not be a battle - as long as you’re eating something

Sometimes I forget to remember…

*that you usually eat pretty well
*that while you can’t always keep up with the conversation, you don’t get frustrated as easily anymore
*that you’re starting to sit through classes on your own & pay attention!
*that while things don’t come easily, they’re becoming easier
*that you’re so great at learning things

But no matter what, I’ll never forget that I love you and you love me.
And no one ever had to teach that to either of us.
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Parenting - Not Just About the Kids

Tim & I got to spend some time together, without the kids. A nice break! We ran errands, grabbed a bite for lunch, and got some things done around the house.
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In The Quiet

Today, I sat in my house - in the quiet. The kids were away and I knew they were fine, and so I relaxed. Tim & I discussed “the quiet” (seems we always do!). Here’s some of what we landed on:

Mr. Mozart
our oldest, always happy,
very easy to parent,
talkative, loves to learn,
wonderful musician, loves to read,
or maybe - LOVES TO READ
Miss Princess
our youngest, keeps the boys in line,
loves the dogs, loves to learn,
loves music, loves to sing,
very happy, loves the color pink,
or maybe - LOVES THE COLOR PINK
Mr. Picasso
our middle child, loves art,
tells it like it is, questions everything,
frequently changes the tempo of the drum to which he marches,
loves to read, often unpredictable,
or maybe - OFTEN UNPREDICTABLE
So as you can see, we have quite a mix of predictability and unpredictability at our house. And despite how crazy and tumultous and trying and frustrating it can be at times, we wouldn’t trade it. No matter what.
We’ve fallen in love with the love for education, the love for music, the love of pink, the love of the dogs, the artwork, the differing tempos of the drum. We’ve fallen in love with 2 brunettes and a blond (unless he prefers to be called a brunette on that particular day). We’ve fallen in love with what makes us, “us”.
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Year of the Oxygen Mask

A few weeks ago, I posted about a Twitter hashtag that caught my attention: YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf . This was a huge help, personally, in finding other parents who understand some of the “quirky” things that we deal with in our everyday lives.

Several moms who have posted under that hashtag also recently wrote posts about knowing when you need help or a break, and taking (or maybe, making) time for that. There was a resounding “Yes, we understand and recognize what you’re talking about.” The discussions focused on taking time to breathe, and not feeling guilty about needing a break, and purposely choosing to do things for yourself, as the parent/caregiver from time to time.

Out of this was born “The Year of the Oxygen Mask” with a specific focus on supporting each other to take time to breathe, to do something for yourself. Think about when you fly - parents are told to get their own oxygen first, in case of emergency, so they can help their children. That’s where the analogy comes from for “The Year of the Oxygen Mask”. In caring for ourselves, we’re not talking major things, but just some basic things that we, as parents & caregivers, have neglected for too long.

As a mom to a newly-diagnosed guy (despite knowing something was “off” for years), I need to be reminded to breathe. I need to be reminded to have some fun once in a while. The newness of the diagnosis has worn off, the many extra appointments have come to an end although the regular appointments continue.

So, for my sanity, I’m listing a few things that I *will* do this year in an effort to take care of myself, so that I can be better for my family.

*Drink my coffee while it’s hot
*Sit down for at least 2 meals/day
*Continue to enjoy (and make time for) my new hobby: knitting!
*Make time to read a few short books that I got for Christmas. These will give me short quotes & verses to focus on through the day.
*Listen to more music (this used to be such a huge part of my life - time to reclaim it, even if just in a small fashion)
*Exercise more
*Drink more water
*Try to be in bed by 11pm - preferably a bit earlier, but this is the goal.
*Laugh more
*Do some new things - along with that,
*Make a Bucket List (I know that sounds morbid, but it’s not - it gives me something else to focus on while life is crazy right now!)
*Make a vision board - not sure just what will be on it yet, but have some thoughts (and the actual board!)
*Visit my doctor for my yearly check-up

I know some of these things seem so simple, but they are things that have been neglected at some point, over the past few months. It’s time to focus on a few small things that will help me be the best I can for my family.

You can find this group at http://oxygenmaskproject.com/
and on Facebook search for The Oxygen Mask Project
and on Twitter @oxygenmaskproj

So sit back, take a deep breath, and do something that helps to rejuvenate you, so you can be better focused for your daily tasks. No guilt, just breathe!

Photo Source: Mine





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Milestones Matter!

With Picasso’s issues, it’s sometimes hard to tell if he’s making progress in things. I mean, I can tell daily that he’s progressing, as he no longer does some things he did when he was younger. But some days, it’s just more difficult.

As I sat quietly today, taking a few minutes to relax and do nothing (except listen - a constant activity if there are other people in the house), I realized he’s making some HUGE gains in the social arena. I’m not sure why I didn’t notice before. Maybe I was just needing to mentally note progress today. And I did!

Picasso: doing something to infuriate his sister.
Princess: “I’m telling Mom!”
Picasso: “Ok, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. Please don’t tell!”
Princess: “Ok, but if you hit me again, I’ll tell.”
Picasso: “Ok, I won’t. I’m sorry (pause) for hitting you.”
Princess: “I forgive you, but it hurt. Please don’t do it again.”

ME?
HAPPY DANCE!!! 
So what’s so great about all that? Lots!
*They worked it out (and believe me, if I thought she was getting hurt, I’d be intervening in a heartbeat).
*He said WHAT he was sorry for (bad grammar, I know - but it’s been a chore to get him to say what he was sorry for, and to admit that he had a part in some wrong-doing).
*He recognized a behavior that is socially appropriate at this age: the threat of tattling. Now, I realize it wouldn’t actually have been “tattling” since she was getting hurt, but I’ve heard the same phrases when they play with toys rather than hitting. But the fear of “I’m telling!” is getting him to change his actions - without me getting involved. And no, it’s not always ok when she comes to tattle, and we’re working on that with her. But it’s a “rite of passage” to deal with the tattling issue, and he’s understanding it.
Progress!
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