Last week at The Loft, we found out that this week’s topic would be to share our greatest insecurity, and the knot in my stomach formed. I squirmed in my seat. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. After all, our link-up here is only 3 weeks old.
Lean in close…I’ll be honest: I wanted to jump ship.
I considered emailing the co-hosts and telling them that I needed a break for some made-up reason, just to get out of this week. But God wouldn’t let me go. Even as last week’s post went live, I knew what I had to write about, and I continued to see it all week long.
All.
Week.
Long.
I even commented to the other hosts that this week’s topic terrified me. Why? Because my greatest insecurity is not being able to get it right, not being perfect, not being enough.
Just having typed it out there is rather terrifying for a “recovering perfectionist”, and also slightly terrifying…still.
Someone asks me to do something; they are depending on me. I take that incredibly seriously and don’t want to let them down. I hold myself to such a high standard.
…Such a high standard, that I add stress to my life.
…Such a high standard, that I cause stress for my family.
…Such a high standard, that I don’t always sleep or eat well, putting the activity above my own well-being.
Yes, I know. I really do.
That’s not healthy.
Not only is it not healthy, in fact, it’s very unhealthy - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I’m putting something else - an activity - in the place of top priority in my life. And that’s not right.
And all of that is only when I’m asked to do.
What about when it comes to who I am?
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matthew 5:48
That verse fed my perfectionist tendencies for so many years. No doubt, I was taking it out of context, not understanding the original language and background of the passage.
But that was my motto for my life, my mantra when I needed to keep things going perfectly well.
After all, I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, sister, friend - these people are all counting on me to fill a special space in their life. Therefore, I need to be perfect. I need to be enough.
Talk about stress. Every time I felt imperfect in life, especially in my role as wife or mother, I would overcompensate by trying to perfect something else.
My calendar became my best friend. I would schedule everything.
EVERYthing.
Because it would make my life look perfect, when I couldn’t make life be perfect.
I succeeded at all of that for a really long time.
I succeeded at all of that for too long.
Come close…hear me as I whisper: Actually, I didn’t really succeed at all.
I didn’t really succeed at all.
Last fall, life unraveled. Things I thought were solid, areas where I was confident that I was being and doing all I could do - they all fell apart.
That was a severe blow to my perfectionist self.
I was pretty sure that my very soul was going to shatter.
Any thoughts, hopes, dreams, even plans of being perfect were gone.
I could hardly even be.
I certainly couldn’t do.
How could I be perfect as my heavenly Father is perfect, if I couldn’t even be?
I couldn’t.
I can’t.
So then what? What does a recovering perfectionist do when being perfect is no longer a possibility?
For me, I went back to the basics.
…’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
Luke 10:27
The basics - love God, with all of me. And love my neighbor (those around me).
The great thing about when we love God?
He loves us back.
He loves us back.
God took all my desires for perfection, graciously and tenderly walked with me through some of the hardest times I’ve experienced, and taught me that it wasn’t who I am or what I do that gives me worth or value - or security.
It’s Who I love.
It’s that simple.
Where does my security come from, even in the face of my greatest insecurity?
It comes from Who I love.
And from Who loves me back.
But even more than that: it’s not really that God loves me back because I love Him.
It’s that God already loved me.
In reality, I’m loving Him back.
With all my heart.
With all my soul.
With all my strength.
With all my mind.
When I can live in God’s love for me, there’s no need for perfection.
He makes me perfect.
When I can live in God’s love for me, there’s no need for all of the stress.
He makes my way straight.
When I can live in God’s love for me, there’s no need to hide behind my insecurity.
He is my security.
This has been such a hard lesson for me; I’m still a work in progress. There are many days when I feel I don’t measure up - I’m not enough for family, friends, myself. I want to be the best and do the best.
And what does God ask of me?
To love Him.
To completely take my focus off of all I’m trying to be, of all I’m trying to do, and to focus on Him, to love Him.
Because He is the one who can take my greatest insecurity, fill my heart with His love, and strengthen my security in Him.
When I try to be, or do, first, then I really don’t succeed.
When I focus on love first, then God enables me to be and do all that I should.
Please join us at The Loft where more writers are boldly sharing their greatest insecurities.
original photo source
Oh Becky, you are a beautiful person and such an encouragement to me! I love your honesty and can relate to these fears. Isn’t it funny how when we stop trying to be perfect that who we are in Christ is able to shine through? I’ve seen that in you and it is savory, a wonderful thing.
Arabah Joy recently posted…Welcome to The Loft {Week 3}
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Rebekah Reply:
August 19th, 2014 at 9:40 am
Savory…you used the word “savory”…This past year, I’ve heard sermon after sermon, lesson after lesson, the camp my kids went to for a week was on being salt and light - all to remind us that we’re supposed to be “savory” as Christians - we’re supposed to draw them in with the beautiful aroma, the thirst-quenching goodness, of being a Christian. The whole theme has come back time and again, and now here it is *again*. A great reminder for today!
Isn’t it beautiful that God can, will, DOES use us - as imperfect as we are - to do His work? I think if we were perfect, we’d lose some of that savor. We can’t minister to an imperfect world if we’re perfect, or “better” than them. We’re all sinners, in need of that same grace from Jesus. I’ve told several people this year - Jesus doesn’t want you to be perfect *before* you’re saved; He longs for your salvation so that He can work through your mess and ultimately bring you Home to perfection.
Blessings, dear friend!!
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Me, too. I’m a recovering perfectionist, too, a work-in-progress, too. And this has been the theme of my spiritual life lately - that my being is so much more important than my doing. It took a broken tailbone and a host of other medical issues to teach me that, and some days I feel like I’m still learning it. These lines resonated the most with me, “I could hardly even be.
I certainly couldn’t do.” It’s there that we really learn who we are in Him! I’m so glad you shared tonight, friend!
Jen
Jen recently posted…Fat Girl Insecurities and #TheLoft
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Rebekah Reply:
August 19th, 2014 at 9:19 am
Perfectionism seems to be a theme in our group of co-hosts here. Safety in numbers, though!
The whole idea of “Take this world but give me Jesus” resonates so much more in my heart the older I get. It doesn’t matter what I look like, how I act, if I “fit in” - I’m not supposed to be perfect - I’m supposed to be made new in Him. We get cluttered, bogged down, by earthly things.
But Jesus - oh, he comes and uses some unlikely methods, just like you said, to get us focused back on Him.
Thank you, Jen! Blessings!!
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Well, my friend, I think we would make great BFFs. When I speak I tell people that I am a recovering control-freak, perfectionist. I love how you pointed us to Jesus and His love for us as the beginning of everything. Beautiful, beautiful, transparent post. Blessings to you~!
Leah Adams recently posted…The Loft Tuesday Link Up ~ My Greatest Insecurity ~ #TheLoft
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Rebekah Reply:
August 19th, 2014 at 9:14 am
Oh yes…my family would all use those words to describe me, too. And so would I. And I think we *do* need those who are like us to understand how much of a struggle it is to let things go…and how big of a victory it is when we DO let things go. I’m so glad that God has brought us together, you and me, as we work through this whole perfection issue and let God love us, imperfect as we are, until someday He welcomes us Home to perfection!
Blessings!!
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Oh Becky. I am in your corner. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt - sold the T-shirt. Here i am on my first time with the #theloft and I didn’t do it right on my blog. Forgot the hashtag. Didn’t follow directions. Didn’t do it perfect. checked out everybody else’s site and stressed….stressed…stressed. Now where is that darn T-shirt? Breathe…Just Breathe. The way I see it we’re in this boat together and after reading your site I know I’ve got a friend. mmmmmm. Have you seen my T-shirt? It says, “I’m Not Perfect. Get Over It.”
Chris Malkemes recently posted…At The Loft - My Greatest Insecurity
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Rebekah Reply:
August 19th, 2014 at 9:07 am
Oh Chris - there is nothing wrong about your blog post. You did it JUST right! You shared something with us - an insecurity, which can be so hard to share - and just the fact that you shared with us means you already did it perfectly!
The hashtag - you can certainly use that if you’re sharing your post on social media, but as far as it being in your blog post - don’t worry about it. Just grab your favorite drink of choice (are you a tea or coffee lover? Hot cocoa is also very acceptable, and in summer, I’ve been known to prefer iced coffee to hot coffee 
) and hang out with us. There’s safety in numbers, especially when dealing with insecurity! You are among friends here and there’s no right or wrong with how you share. Just share with us what’s on your heart. 
I know all my other co-hosts would tell you the exact same thing. There is NO perfection here…only grace.
Only grace!
We are absolutely in this boat together…we may not know where we’re headed at times, and I’m sure I would use a paddle and spin myself in circles more than actually going anywhere, BUT we’re in it together!
I’m SO glad you joined us this week and I’m so glad I’m not the only one struggling with the perfection thing. I read a quote somewhere, and I’m sure I’m not getting it right, but it says something like, “Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint at it that you can.” It’s going to be messy, it’s going to be “imperfect” by someone’s standard, but it’s life and we’re going to live it because God can make beauty out of the messes!
Oh, how I love that you’re with us on this journey!
I’m not perfect either!
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So good Rebekah!
Love, it IS the answer, and it must be matched with belief. And we will get to be ‘a work in progress’ as we go from strength to strength and glory to glory while we journey to Heaven.
I love how God’s grace lifts up to allow just enough pain or challenge to confront our own self-reliance and show us -teach us- that He is the one in control and that He loves us perfectly.
Onward Christian soldier!
Kathy Schwanke recently posted…Free To Fly {Far Away From My Biggest Insecurities}
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Rebekah Reply:
August 19th, 2014 at 9:57 pm
That is so true…love and belief!
A work in progress is all He ever calls us to…to follow Him. The thief on the cross wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot - but he was given the opportunity for perfection - for heaven - because of love and belief. Thank you, Kathy!
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This was SO GOOD! I can agree with you on so many levels. I used to try so hard to be perfect, especially whenever I came across that verse in Matthew. I too had a lot of things I thought were secure, that I was relying on instead of God, fall apart in one year. It was hard, but I think God brings us to the beginning for a reason.
Have a great week!
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Rebekah Reply:
August 19th, 2014 at 9:38 pm
That verse in Matthew…it seems SO cut and dry, doesn’t it? Be perfect…. It’s not hard to understand. And yet, the stress it causes us really makes me think we aren’t quite getting it right in trying to be perfect - because God is a God of peace, not stress.
I agree - I think God takes us back to the beginning…to just us and Him - for a reason. I’m loving this precious time learning from Him! Thanks for your kind words. Blessings, Catlyn!!
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Dear Rebekah,
We are sheep and we are slow! I love that you brought it all back to the two most important things in the Christian life. Loving God first, then loving others. Simplifying life to the two most important commands helps us to focus correctly. As I study theology, sometimes my head spins. Sometimes the more I read the more I become confused. But then God calms my spirit and reminds me that if I cannot figure it all out, and to remember this, love God, love others-that is the Christian life! Wow, how freeing.
Kate Martin recently posted…Greatest Insecurity
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Rebekah Reply:
August 22nd, 2014 at 7:35 am
You are right - we are slow. I’m so thankful that God is patient! I think we try to make it harder than it is sometimes - or, I do, anyway. I think that’s why those 2 commands are so easy - to remind us to quit working so hard and just focus on those we need to love.
Thank you for joining us again at The Loft!
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Our eyes get out of focus so easily don’t they! I can relate very much to what you have written. Standing with you in seeking Him first. Loving God first. Amen.
Jolene Underwood (@Faith_Eyes) recently posted…Encouragement for when you feel you can’t go on
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Rebekah Reply:
August 22nd, 2014 at 7:39 am
Yes, they do! Loving God and loving people seems so simplistic, but in our fast-paced self-centered world, it can really make a difference!
Hope to see you there again!
Thanks for joining us at The Loft! Next week’s theme will be much lighter as we talk about Something Funny.
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I had that same knot when I heard about this topic. Thanks so much for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing! #TheLoft seems to be taking some courage, for me too.
Karen F. recently posted…My Greatest Insecurity is….Insecurity (link up with The Loft)
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Rebekah Reply:
August 25th, 2014 at 9:20 pm
Thank you - insecurity is hard for us all. I’m so glad we had that first adventure into hard topics, and it makes me more grateful that this week’s topic is light and fun!
Blessings, friend!!
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