Last week at The Loft, we found out that this week’s topic would be to share our greatest insecurity, and the knot in my stomach formed. I squirmed in my seat. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. After all, our link-up here is only 3 weeks old.
Lean in close…I’ll be honest: I wanted to jump ship.
I considered emailing the co-hosts and telling them that I needed a break for some made-up reason, just to get out of this week. But God wouldn’t let me go. Even as last week’s post went live, I knew what I had to write about, and I continued to see it all week long.
All.
Week.
Long.
I even commented to the other hosts that this week’s topic terrified me. Why? Because my greatest insecurity is not being able to get it right, not being perfect, not being enough.
Just having typed it out there is rather terrifying for a “recovering perfectionist”, and also slightly terrifying…still.
Someone asks me to do something; they are depending on me. I take that incredibly seriously and don’t want to let them down. I hold myself to such a high standard.
…Such a high standard, that I add stress to my life.
…Such a high standard, that I cause stress for my family.
…Such a high standard, that I don’t always sleep or eat well, putting the activity above my own well-being.
Yes, I know. I really do.
That’s not healthy.
Not only is it not healthy, in fact, it’s very unhealthy - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I’m putting something else - an activity - in the place of top priority in my life. And that’s not right.
And all of that is only when I’m asked to do.
What about when it comes to who I am?
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matthew 5:48
That verse fed my perfectionist tendencies for so many years. No doubt, I was taking it out of context, not understanding the original language and background of the passage.
But that was my motto for my life, my mantra when I needed to keep things going perfectly well.
After all, I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, sister, friend - these people are all counting on me to fill a special space in their life. Therefore, I need to be perfect. I need to be enough.
Talk about stress. Every time I felt imperfect in life, especially in my role as wife or mother, I would overcompensate by trying to perfect something else.
My calendar became my best friend. I would schedule everything.
EVERYthing.
Because it would make my life look perfect, when I couldn’t make life be perfect.
I succeeded at all of that for a really long time.
I succeeded at all of that for too long.
Come close…hear me as I whisper: Actually, I didn’t really succeed at all.
I didn’t really succeed at all.
Last fall, life unraveled. Things I thought were solid, areas where I was confident that I was being and doing all I could do - they all fell apart.
That was a severe blow to my perfectionist self.
I was pretty sure that my very soul was going to shatter.
Any thoughts, hopes, dreams, even plans of being perfect were gone.
I could hardly even be.
I certainly couldn’t do.
How could I be perfect as my heavenly Father is perfect, if I couldn’t even be?
I couldn’t.
I can’t.
So then what? What does a recovering perfectionist do when being perfect is no longer a possibility?
For me, I went back to the basics.
…’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
Luke 10:27
The basics - love God, with all of me. And love my neighbor (those around me).
The great thing about when we love God?
He loves us back.
He loves us back.
God took all my desires for perfection, graciously and tenderly walked with me through some of the hardest times I’ve experienced, and taught me that it wasn’t who I am or what I do that gives me worth or value - or security.
It’s Who I love.
It’s that simple.
Where does my security come from, even in the face of my greatest insecurity?
It comes from Who I love.
And from Who loves me back.
But even more than that: it’s not really that God loves me back because I love Him.
It’s that God already loved me.
In reality, I’m loving Him back.
With all my heart.
With all my soul.
With all my strength.
With all my mind.
When I can live in God’s love for me, there’s no need for perfection.
He makes me perfect.
When I can live in God’s love for me, there’s no need for all of the stress.
He makes my way straight.
When I can live in God’s love for me, there’s no need to hide behind my insecurity.
He is my security.
This has been such a hard lesson for me; I’m still a work in progress. There are many days when I feel I don’t measure up - I’m not enough for family, friends, myself. I want to be the best and do the best.
And what does God ask of me?
To love Him.
To completely take my focus off of all I’m trying to be, of all I’m trying to do, and to focus on Him, to love Him.
Because He is the one who can take my greatest insecurity, fill my heart with His love, and strengthen my security in Him.
When I try to be, or do, first, then I really don’t succeed.
When I focus on love first, then God enables me to be and do all that I should.
Please join us at The Loft where more writers are boldly sharing their greatest insecurities.
original photo source