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From Perseverance To Patience

I’m sure you’ve heard what “they” say about patience - something along the lines of, “Don’t pray for patience, because you will get plenty of opportunities to work on your patience.” Well, I listened to “them” and stopped praying for patience for a while. After all, I had a lot going on; the last thing I really needed was another opportunity to practice patience. I decided to pray for perseverance instead - the ability to keep on going.

I think my change in perspective, from praying for patience to praying for perseverance, originally came a few years ago. Many days (and nights) we were up to our eyeballs in dealing with our son and his special needs, and trying to keep life as close to normal as we possibly could for our other two kids. I was tired of being patient with him, but I knew that I had to keep going, so I transitioned to praying for perseverance to get through some of the tougher days.

Praying for perseverance brought me many opportunities to keep going; it afforded me many chances to try, and try again. Things certainly weren’t smooth sailing for me, but it didn’t frustrate me, either, like praying for patience did. I was persevering. I was able to keep going.

Recently, I was doing a book study with some friends and we were talking about patience. I was sharing my aversion to praying for patience. As I shared, a thought occurred to me - one I don’t think I’ve considered before.

I think I was praying for perseverance because that was something I could control. I could determine to what extent I persevered, how hard I worked in any given situation, how much time and effort I continued to put forth.

Praying for patience, though, meant that I was relinquishing control and waiting on someone else. Maybe it was God, maybe it was someone from the school, maybe it was a child. I could not persevere and push through; I had to choose to stop and wait.

Want to know a secret? {I don’t like to wait.}
(Insert a collective, “Oh, REALLY?!” from everyone who knows me, right here…
go ahead, I know, and you’re right to respond that way.)

I don’t like to wait. I don’t like to not be the one in control. I like gauging my day by my effort, by giving my best, by living up to the standard I know I can attain on any given day.

But, that’s not what God is wanting me to learn - at least, not right now.

Right now, He is showing me how He is faithful to work everything out. How do I know? I used to work so hard to schedule everything exactly right. When I gave up persisting and starting being patient, I saw God work things out in amazing ways to make sure that everything fits beautifully into our week. And the way our schedule works out this year, we’re ending up with at least two full days at home each week! Our busiest days are in the middle of the week, and they will definitely be full, but that ensures that we’ll have good chunks of time at home, able to catch up on work, get some rest and not have to run in another direction. When I was patient, rather than persistent, God worked that out for us!

There’s also a certain freedom in stopping the hard work of perseverance, and beginning the waiting that comes with being patient. Sure, you can wait impatiently, but that kind of defeats the purpose, so I’m trying to wait patiently.

How am I doing that?
PAUSE - I’m intentionally choosing to stop and to remember that I’m working on being patient, rather than pushing through to make my own solution.
PRAY - I take time to pray, remembering that God is eager to hear from me, and asking for His help as I try to be patient in my waiting.
PAY attention - I turn my focus to other things - laundry, dishes, reading with my kids, talking to my husband, encouraging someone else. I actively try to get whatever I’m waiting for out of my mind, unless I’m praying about it.

Do you notice that they’re all things that require an action or intentional choice on my part? It’s not just that I decide, “Oh, I won’t persist; I’ll be patient.” No, for me, I have to intentionally (each time) work at making the choice to be patient.

Have you given up on praying for patience? Can I encourage you to try again? Be intentional in your efforts. Slow down in your persistence so that you can let God help you increase your patience! After all, you know what “they” say - “Good things come to those who wait!”

 

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God’s Big Dreams {For Your Life}

This week we’ve talked about dreaming big dreams. I’ve shared some of my personal big dreams, and some of the big dreams we’re dreaming with and for our children. Just as we have dreams for our children, our parents have dreams for us. But I wonder - do you know that God, your heavenly Father, has big dreams for your life?

God's BIG Dreams {For Your Life}

The very familiar passage when talking about God’s plans for our lives is Jeremiah 29:11 - “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” But the verses surrounding that particular verse hold some great truths in knowing that God already has plans for our lives. Jeremiah 29:10-15

10 This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

God had a plan for those who were in exile. The verbs used even indicate that these are future plans - the verse say, “I will come to you,” and, “I will be found by you,” and those are promises for the future.

In order to have promises for the future, one has to have already considered the situation. You can’t have specific future plans unless you’ve done some specific future thinking.

In Ephesians 1:4, we find that we were chosen, even before the beginning of the world: “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.”

I won’t even touch the whole predestination discussion that usually occurs around that passage. But if we believe that the Bible is God’s Word to us, then no matter which side of predestination you come down on, the truth still remains: God chose us. And if He chose us (wanted us - wants us), then He must have a plan for us!

Psalm 139:13-18 gives us such a beautiful look at God creating us, and wanting us from the beginning:

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How beautiful - He spent so much time and care in creating us to be just who we are. We weren’t made to act like, look like, or be anyone else. Even identical twins can be used by God in vastly different ways, as God works in their lives.

See that truth in verse 16? “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Before we drew our first breath, God already knew us, knew what He had ordained (planned, decreed) for us.

As you consider your life, and the lives of your family members, remember to dream big dreams. The God who created you and me is the same God who parted the Red Sea, raised the dead, and worked to perform numerous miracles that are recorded for us in Scripture. And He has a great big plan for your life! Don’t sell Him short; don’t put God in a box or shrink Him to human-sized. Ask God to fill your heart with HIS God-sized dream for your life!

dream big dreams

As we close out this series on dreaming big dreams, I want to leave you with this from Ephesians 3:20,21 as a prayer for us as we live our lives in the God-sized plans that He has for us!

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

For the rest of this series:
1. Dream Big Dreams
2. Dream Big Dreams {For Our Children}
3. God’s Big Dreams {For Your Life}

Dream Big Dreams

dream big dreamsDo you dream big dreams? Do you have some big goals in life? Do you find it easy to dream your dreams? Do you dream big dreams for your family, your children, your friends, your church? When do you dream your dreams - in good times or bad? Why do you dream your dreams - because you’re hoping for more, or because you’re shooting for the stars?

My husband is a dreamer, no doubt about it. I love that he enjoys shooting for the stars! I feel very much like a realist when I compare his dreaming ability to my own. And as I’ve been thinking about this lately, I think that for me, there’s almost a fear of failure tied to dreaming big dreams. If I dream, try, and fail, then the perfectionist in me is extremely frustrated. But if I just keep going along in life, and meeting goals, then I feel very successful. But am I missing out on dreaming big dreams? (Yes, I think so!) This is the first of several posts that will focus on dreaming big dreams!

This blog was a big dream. As I started it, I asked God for His words to fill these “pages” (this was my first request). I also asked God for a few other things - the option of writing for one or two other sites (my second request), and the ability to contribute to an e-book before working on what may someday be my own book (my third request). I started this blog in March, and made these 3 requests of God around the same time. This blog has been “live” for just over 4 months, and those requests were my big dreams.

blog title

Guess what? They’ve ALL been answered. Request one - God continues to fill these pages. I often sit down with a particular idea in mind, and God changes it to something slightly different, to bless me, or a reader. Request 2 - I write at several other websites. You can find them by Writing Contributions tab at the top of this page. Request 3 - I am contributing a chapter to a book. More information to come on that. I’m thrilled that God has answered all of these - THRILLED!

But really, the next question is, now what? My dreams - the dreams that I thought were big dreams - are all answered. As a friend said, “You’re going to have to dream bigger dreams!”

I think I’m still really learning how to dream big dreams, and push my fear of failure to the side. I have a lot more to say about this, so I think I’m going to make it a separate post. I’m still praying over my own big dreams, and our big dreams as a couple and as a family. We’ll talk more about that in the next post. In the meantime, you can join us on Facebook for more discussion about dreaming big dreams.

 

UPDATE:
You can read part 2 here: Dream Big Dreams {For Our Children}
and part 3 here: God’s Big Dreams {For Your Life}

Coffee and Superheroes

This morning, while sipping my coffee and enjoying a slow start to the day, I was only sort of paying attention to the cartoon my kids had on. The shows they watch in the morning are parent-approved and basically pretty good. They usually choose the superhero shows and watch the battle between good and evil. Today, I was struck with how they showed the superhero combating the evil ways of the villain.

The villain in the show had apparently been good “in another world”. Everyone seemed to remember that except for the villain. As the battle waged between the villain and the superhero, the hero began to talk down the villain, saying things like, “I know you were good once. I believe in you. I know you will not harm me.” He was talking down his opposition. And ultimately, he won because the villain listened just long enough to realize the superhero truly believed that his words had power behind them - power to turn a bad situation around, and to see the good that could come out of it.

The tactics that the superhero used, speaking truth into the situation with the villain,
hold true for us, too, as Christians.

In II Corinthians 10:3-5, Paul says -

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

When we battle tough situations, or attacks of the Enemy, our combat is not supposed to look the same as those who do not know Jesus. That means when we face situations where the Enemy is trying to destroy us, we need to respond differently. Maybe we need to step out in faith, or at least not cower in fear. Maybe we need to speak truth into the situations where we are struggling - God’s Truth.

We need to realize that as a follower of Christ, we are now a target for attacks by the Enemy. Satan does not want to see us on God’s side. He does not want our lives filled with the power of the Holy Spirit. He does not want our hearts and minds transformed by God’s Word. And so He is coming for us - He is out to attack us where he can.

How do you combat the attacks? The Bible gives us a very clear plan of how to stand against the devil.

Ephesians 6:10-17, again, from Paul -

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

I like how this passage says, “so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground….” To me, (and this is just my opinion) this indicates that we won’t get attacked immediately, or constantly. We may not be in a battle right now, but…it’s coming. That’s what I take out of that particular section.

BUT - our armor needs to be on already. Do you see that? ”Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes….” We aren’t supposed to wait for battle and then get ready; we’re supposed to be prepared in advance.

The passage goes on to describe the armor in detail, giving us an understanding of why each piece is important. I’ve heard many different pastors and speakers point out that the only part of this weapon that is for going on the offensive is the sword of the Spirit - the word of God - the Bible. We are to be prepared and covered in the full armor of God, but apparently we are not just supposed to stand there and take the attacks. We have the word of God to speak truth into the situation, to wage war with the enemy.

To wage war, you have to know your weapon, inside and out. Consider a soldier who uses a gun in battle - that soldier knows how to dismantle the weapon, how to clean it, what type of bullets it uses - he knows everything about his weapon. Why? Because he has spent time with it. He has had it in pieces, and then put it together as a whole. He has inspected every available spot to make sure nothing will hinder his use of the weapon. He has trained with it, specifically for combat situations so that he knows exactly what will happen and does not need to have a fear of using his weapon in the midst of battle. He is prepared. He knows his weapon as though it were an extension of his person.

So, here’s the important question: Are you ready? Are you ready for when the attack comes? Have you put on the full armor of God? Have you prepared with your weapon as the soldier has? Paul is very clear - our struggle is not against flesh and blood - it is not of this world. It is a spiritual struggle and we have all of the protection that we need, along with the only weapon we need.

Dear friend, are you ready? Maybe you need to step back and re-evaluate your battles, knowing that while they seem bound in things of earth, they are really a spiritual fight for your soul. Maybe you need to prepare in advance and choose today to clothe yourself with the armor of God so that when your battle comes, you are prepared. And maybe you need to check your weapon. Clean it off, open it up, learn what’s inside of it, so that when the attack comes against you, you are already prepared.

Just like the superhero in the cartoon my kids watched,
let’s be prepared to speak truth into our battles -
God’s Truth!

Our Stories Are Not Just For Us

our stories are not just for usLife stories - we all have a variety of them. Some are good, and we love to share those stories. There are other stories, though, that we probably wish we never had to contend with. I think that maybe we forget that our stories are not just for us, they are not solely ours. We are not the author of our stories, of our lives.

If God created us, each of us, for this particular time in history, then I believe there is a reason why we, you and I, are here on Earth together. I believe our stories can impact each other’s lives in ways we could not imagine. Have you ever sat through a meeting or a sermon and wondered, “How does that person know exactly what I needed to hear?” And that is exactly where God is allowing someone else’s story or testimony to intersect with ours. That is the point where God is using someone else to meet us right where we are.

We’re happy to share our good stories - the ones that bring us joy or contentment. We’re happy to share how God is providing and all He is doing in our lives.

But what about the tough stuff? What about some of those gut-wrenching experiences in life? Why does God allow those, and why, WHY, would we ever share those? They are steeped in sorrow, darkness and discontent. Who wants to hear about that? Who wants to know the tough stuff?

I have had these exact conversations with various friends over the past few months. The past 12 months have been full of ups and downs for our family. Times have been ugly when I would have preferred beautiful, rainy when I wanted sunshine. I shared about many of our biggest struggles here. They are full of ugly memories, frustration, and wondering where God was.

We shared that story, though, and we watched as God provided - in ways we never imagined, to provide for our needs. Sometimes it was through people, other times it was through some strange situations, like a car accident, which ended up providing for us financially. It really doesn’t make much sense, outside of trusting God.

I’ve also shared about our experience with miscarriage, and how God redeemed that experience, for me. I’ll tell you, that was one experience that I would never have wanted to have. I wonder what was so wrong that God wouldn’t save that baby’s life. Sharing that story, though, has given me opportunity to stand with others when they face similar circumstances. Because I have that story, I’m able to identify with families who are hurting. I have been able to send my experience to several moms who have asked, out loud, “Has anyone else experienced this?”

If we can trust that God is the author of the particular stories we have in life, it can make us a little more brave in quietly whispering, “I am hurting,” or, “My life is a mess right now,” or, “I don’t know why God has this as a part of my story.”

But that, right there - did you see that? THAT is the truth, the part to cling to:

God has this as a part of my story.

When we can trust God for our story, we can trust that God will use our story. We don’t know how He will use it, and we don’t know for whom He may use it. But that isn’t for us to know - that is for God, who has put us here right now, to know and to decide.

We can try and manage our own stories, and our own lives, or we can trust God to do that. And if we believe that God created us, the world around us, and chose to put us here now, can’t we trust that He has a plan for all that we encounter?

Let’s be real for a minute - we can’t always trust. It’s hard to trust. I know that. Believe me, I know.

Can I offer you the same hope that saw us through some of these toughest struggles? It’s powerful - it’s the name of Jesus. When life is hard, or even overwhelming, try saying the name of Jesus, even out loud, and see if your heart isn’t filled with peace! Say it over and over, until your heart is listening and believing that His name can calm your storm.

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
-
Hebrews 13:5

Because His name can calm your storm, can you also trust that His name will author your story with great care? Remember, He will be with you, every step of the way. He is writing our stories with purpose, and on purpose, to use us to minister to others. It’s no accident what you go through, but you don’t go alone.

Our stories are not just for us. God wants to use them in a mighty way. Be encouraged - and remember the overwhelming peace that comes with the name of Jesus!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.

-
Jeremiah 29:11

 

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Dear Weary Mom {Let Go}

Dear Weary Mom,
Life sure is a big juggling act sometimes - with kids, spouse, schooling, laundry, jobs, church, volunteer positions. It takes a lot to keep everything going smoothly. I often wondered what might happen if I stopped the juggling act and just let go.

The truth is, that terrifies me. Well, it used to anyway. I wondered what would happen if I didn’t seek to hold on to things perfectly. What sort of mess would I have to contend with if I let go of things just for a day? And so I persevered and kept up the juggling act.

But that’s not where our freedom lies - our freedom doesn’t lie in our perfection. Our freedom lies in God, who created the world and all the beauty in it. Our freedom lies in the very same God who created us with our unique abilities to serve in our respective roles. Our freedom does not lie in our own ability to keep it all together.

So, weary mom, let go. There is beauty in letting go. There is peace in letting things fall where they may, even for just a moment.

We often think of the disaster as things fall apart. But think about it a little more. When we stop, let go of what we’re doing, everything around us suddenly becomes very quiet.

Our eyes are open to see what God has for us.
Our hearts are open, no longer burdened by the strain of holding everything together.
Our hands are open, ready for only those things that God wants to entrust to us.

It’s hard to look at our lives and imagine what God might take away from us, if we were willing to let go. But, I also sometimes wonder what God might be preparing to give us, if our hands weren’t already so full!

Dear weary mom, can we trust God together? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stop and pray,

Dear Lord, my hands are full and my heart feels empty.
Would you take those things which are not for me in this season?
And would you fill my hands with the things you have for me?
Fill my hands, and fill my heart.
Amen.

And then, dear friend, let go.

dearwearymom_button_white

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to his power that is at work within us,
to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,
for ever and ever! Amen.”
Ephesians 3: 20,21

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The Cross Still Stands

When I dropped our son off at camp this week, I saw this church and stopped to take pictures. Something about it really called to me. The building is old, falling apart, but yet, I really felt like there was something drawing me to stop and to just enjoy the simple beauty of the building, the sunshine of the day, and the love of God that was still evident in that place. Despite the building, I really felt that the cross still stands!

old church 2

As I sat and spent time (despite my children asking *what* I was doing just sitting there), I wondered who used to attend this church. I wonder what happened to the church that it was just left to ruin.

Did they preach the love of Jesus? Did generations of families gather on Sunday mornings for a country service? Could you hear the organ across the field on a clear day as it called sinners to come home?

Who is laid in the surrounding resting place? Were these the saints of the original church? Are these more recent losses, laid to rest in the beauty of this place?

If these walls could speak, what stories could they tell? What children came to Jesus? What families were joined together again after losing their way? What wandering soul happened in to hear of the love of Jesus?

I can’t explain the simple beauty of the area. Maybe it was the warmth of the sun; maybe it was my own need to feel close to Jesus as I prepared to leave my child at camp for the week. Whatever it was, I met Jesus for a few minutes on the side of the road. The church may be run down, people may not meet there anymore, but when you love God, you can meet Him anywhere!

Did you notice in the picture, where the wall has crumbled - the cross still stands!

old church 4

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A Man Called Poppy

Last week I wrote about sending our son to kids’ camp, and how I was a little uncertain of how it would all go, mostly because of his special needs. As we do with most new things in life, we decided to give him the opportunity to preview the campground at his own pace. We decided to take a drive to the camp, since it’s just an hour from our home, to let him see where he will be spending the week. We drove around the grounds and didn’t really see anyone, but that was okay. We enjoyed a nice lunch at a local restaurant, and then decided to drive back and look at the camp one more time on our way home, just to make sure our son seemed okay with the lay of the land. It was then that we met Poppy.

If I were to tell Poppy he had been “an angel” on this journey, he would probably find some humble way to dismiss the comment and remind us that he was just a retired man who volunteers his time as the maintenance man at the campground. And while that is true, today, he was another person who is going to help make our son’s time at the camp one of the best weeks ever!

When we arrived back at the campground after lunch, we found Poppy’s son and granddaughter, and they pointed us to Poppy for questions about the buildings and the grounds. Poppy could have just answered our questions and that would have sufficed. But as we explained our guy’s issues and needs, Poppy decided that we should have a tour of the grounds, so we loaded up on his golf cart and away we went!

He took us into the hall where they have their chapel services - it’s a large building with garage doors on all sides, so it’s literally drive-through! He rang the bell so that our guy could hear the sound and know that meant that it was time for chapel. He showed us the trailer where he and his wife live, the snack shop and office, and many of the cabins that people own. He showed us the fire pit area where the campers will roast marshmallows and hot dogs, and his own special devotional spot at a bench under the trees. He took us to the building that is usually used for the boys during camp, and to the building on the other end of the property where the girls usually stay. We went into the dining room and met some of the ladies who are cooks for the camp. It turns out that Poppy has 6 sisters, and 5 work at the camp. The kitchen staff took an interest in our kids and asked about food likes/dislikes, and explained how the mealtimes work. We also met Dennis, who was chopping wood. Poppy told us we could remember his name by calling him Dennis the Menace, and of course the kids loved to hear that!

Poppy explained that most kids do fine at camp, but some start to get homesick on the second night. He said the counselors often send the kids to sit with Poppy, and I must have said something like, “Really?” I figured they would send them to a lady, thinking that would be like a mother figure to them. Poppy said he cries easily and so when the kids are crying, they visit Poppy and he cries right along with them. No kidding!

We saw the pool and playground area, and - our son’s favorite - the field where they set up for archery classes. At a different convention earlier this year, our guy heard they have archery lessons at camp, and he’s been wanting to go ever since. Sure enough, Poppy showed us the hay bales that they set up for archery classes, so the arrows hit the hay and don’t just fly into the road or into the woods.

My one regret? I didn’t take a picture of Poppy and our guy. I hope to remedy that on Monday when we drop our guy off for camp, and then add that to this post. (UPDATED - photo is included now!)

A man called Poppy - maybe simply a retired man who offers his services as a maintenance man. For our family, though, Poppy is an angel that God sent to us to help ensure that we all feel prepared for camp this week! Thanks, Poppy - I know our guy will have a wonderful adventure at camp, and that you’ll be there, watching out for him!

 

Preparing to Let Them Go . . . and being okay with that

I’m realizing more and more each day, that my children are growing up. This summer, especially, we’re realizing that all of our parenting efforts are leading to times like this - where we’re preparing to let them go. While that is a good and right goal, it hit me recently that I need to be okay with opportunities to let them go, and let them begin to spread their wings while still in the safety of our family.

let them go

I’ve been thinking a lot about all of this as a week of church camp for each of our boys has been on the calendar. Our older son went away last year, called us once or twice, and I was nervous the whole time. This year, as he prepared to go again, we had a lot of good conversations about the right things to do, the way to behave, interaction with friends and leaders, and I realized that he loves this opportunity for time away, to learn and grow. And so I’m not worrying too much that he isn’t calling home this week. I know he’s having a great time!

cornfieldBut then, there’s this guy - see that face? I know - I can hardly see it either. We have spent the 9 years since he was born, trying to help him in one way or another. From early feeding issues, to a then-unknown speech and language problem, to wondering if he could actually hear or not, to countless nights where he couldn’t (or sometimes, wouldn’t) sleep - we have been there.

We’ve chased him into and out of water, we’ve taken unsafe things out of his hands and put safe things into his hands. We’ve followed him up and down mountains. We’ve cleaned up Sharpie off the walls, and then went and hid all those markers. Until we gave them back and let him create masterpieces in appropriate ways. We’ve been through meltdowns and put life on hold. We’ve gone from being loved one minute, to extremely disliked in the next. We’ve tweaked all areas of life in an effort to make sure he was safe and could function within it. We’ve endured sleepless nights, sleepless days, and then pushed repeat on that cycle for days on end. We’ve visited places before appointments, in order to make sure he knew he’d be safe there. We’ve practiced what to do, when to do it, and how to be sure we could cope. We’ve gently corralled the occasional sleep-walker. We’ve arrived late, left early, changed plans at the last minute when he couldn’t cope, and endured the stress of all of that. We’ve lost friends, gained love and support from places we didn’t even know to look, and watched in awe as things finally started to come together.

In all of this, I’ve had a lot to do - chasing, corralling, feeding, not sleeping, sleeping, holding, hiding, providing, nurturing, waiting, gently pushing, searching, re-thinking, planning, preparing. Next week he goes away for 5 days and 4 nights. Without us.

All of his life - everything that we’ve done - has been in preparation to let him go.

While Tim and I were talking about it the other night, I spent a few minutes with my fears:

*What if he isn’t understood?
*I’m really sending him away to a place he’s never been?
*What if he doesn’t eat enough?
*What if he doesn’t sleep enough?
*What if he has a massive meltdown?
*What if he is wildly successful? (Yes, I even thought about that, too.)
*Will they take good enough care of him?
*Will he remember anything we’ve tried to teach him? (Be kind, use your words, brush your teeth.)

But then there was the big one - and I didn’t even realize it was in there.
While we’re preparing to let them go,
I have to be okay with it when they do go.

What am I going to do while he’s gone? For his 9 years, my daily existence has been wrapped up in keeping him safe, in making sure he’s understood and that he can cope in his surroundings.

family - smallerThis also makes me incredibly thankful that our other two kids understand their brother, and his needs, so well. They are such a support to him and they understand, to some extent, the amount of time and effort required to help him make it through a day. They are his best advocates and champions! God really put together an amazing group of siblings with these three!

Maybe you wonder why I’m letting him go, if all of life has been like this? That’s a very fair question, because I’ve thought about that, too. We could just keep him home, plan other fun activities to “take the place” of camp. But here’s why we’re letting him go - and why I’m trying to be okay with that:

*Most of the way we’ve raised him has been framed with, “for when you can do this on your own someday.”
*He will only be 1 hour away from home.
*He really wants to go & a lot of his friends will be there (and no, not all of his friends know of his issues, but he is comfortable with them).
*The leaders who are going really try to know and understand who he is, how he functions, and how they can best support him.
*I talked with someone at the camp who listened to my concerns and answered in ways that let me know he will be well cared for.
*He heard there will be archery there and really wants to try it out (and for the perfectionist that he is, that could be a great option for an activity!)

*But really - because I have to start somewhere with letting him spread his wings.

from meltdown to breakthrough || rebekahmhallberg.comAnd so I started to gather his clothes for camp yesterday. We talked about outfits, getting his clothes back into the bag at the end of the day, how to decide what to wear on his feet, to put on a sweatshirt if he was chilly, that all his clothes and items will be labeled.

And I will pack his things later this week, and I will probably write him notes and tuck them into his Bible, and in his pillow, and inside his sneakers. And God and I will spend a lot of time together as I wait on Him through the week, because I’m preparing to let them go - and I have to be okay with it when they do go!

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Hello, My Name Is

Hello, My Name Is ______,
Perfection.

Making life perfect for everyone.
Making it all fit together.
Holding onto perfect because anything less is scary.

And because of all that, I am exhausted.

Rather than being open-handed and open-hearted, I am tight-fisted and hard-hearted.
I cannot let God take things out of my hands in order to replace them with what He has for me,
because He won’t pry my fingers open.

He will wait until I’m ready to be open-handed and open-hearted.

Because God is loving like that. He will wait for us, never force us.

When you hold things too tightly, though, sometimes they shatter.
And then sometimes life seems broken.
And we aren’t sure what we should do, where we should go.

And God waits, lovingly.

And so I am open-handed, and open-hearted, offering my shattered perfection.
Imperfection.

A loving God takes my shattered perfection, transforms it for His good.

And so,

Hello, My Name Is -

Made Whole.

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