I would love to start this post by telling you that I’ve succeeded perfectly in my endeavor to only speak nicely and kindly to my husband. I’d love to tell you that I’ve been able to heap blessings upon him with only kind and loving words! I’d love to tell you that he and I have grown much closer as a couple because of my goodness.

About 10 days ago I shared that my goal was to spend the 40 days prior to Easter speaking nicely to my husband; I was giving up unkind speech. No snide remarks. No snippy comebacks. No argumentative spirit.

It turns out…I still need a lot of work.

It’s frustrating, sort of. I wanted to pat myself on the back - to say that the first 10 days had gone exceedingly well.

I’ve spent time wondering what on Earth I was thinking when I suggested this in the first place. If you read the original post, you’ll know what got me into this predicament in the first place: my own mouth and my own heart.

So, let’s be real - these first 10 days have not been perfect. They haven’t been bad, but they haven’t been good.

My husband and I are working on rebuilding our relationship after a lot of things that have gone wrong. I shared that part of this journey for me is to begin to live in faith - not fear. God has brought us through a lot - a whole lot - and we could have thrown the towel in at any point. After all, we’re human, the world says to go ahead and get a divorce any time, for any reason, and goodness knows we’ve had plenty of reasons!

But the deeper truth is that all that has gone wrong stems from somewhere.

For me, my wrong words, attitudes and actions stem from fear - fear of all that has happened in the recent past. The easy way to cope with all of it is to just be continuously subject to the fear that it will all happen again. And when you live in any type of relationship with another person - friend, family, marriage - you know that you are subject to their choices. Once they make a choice that impacts you, then you have a choice of how to act, react, or respond, and many of us don’t respond well. Change that: I won’t presume to speak for anyone else. I do not always respond well.

The issues that my husband has struggled with stem from a long list of wrong choices by others in his past, and decisions to make his own wrong choices. Those choices have impacted me.

I’ve lived with a foot in two worlds. I have tried desperately to wait on God, to listen for His clear instructions. And I’ve struggled with fear. Both waiting and fearful. Full of shame and full of determination to keep on trying.

It doesn’t work well to try to hang out in both camps - fear and faith.

So these first 10 days, when I’ve tried to only speak kind words, have been a fight. I desperately want to tell you how well I’ve done.

But as I’ve been hearing from more of you lately, I’m not the only one in this fight - a fight for marriage. So many of you are struggling through marital issues as well. And maybe it’s better for me to just be honest and say I’ve not done as well as I had hoped.

BUT…

There has been progress!

And that’s another thing I’m dealing with in my life - that often, progress turns out to be better than perfection! Perfection is about me, me, me. Progress means that I’m learning something that is changing me - hopefully for the better!

In my sometimes-feeble attempt at speaking nicely to my husband, I’ve noticed several things:

*I try to think before I speak. Apparently, people do this…<sarcasm>…and it’s a good thing. I try to imagine how my words will impact others. Ironically, my younger son has to go to therapy to help him learn this exact thing. I’ve always told him that we wouldn’t send him for therapy if we didn’t think it was necessary, and that we’d always be willing to learn the same things in our lives.

*I may not be succeeding as much as I’d hoped, but our conversations are lengthening. At the start of our marital mess, we mostly didn’t talk. We rarely even conveyed messages to one another - both of us extremely hurt, shamed and bitter. Now, though, a snide remark from me doesn’t end our conversation like it used to. It offers an opportunity to apologize, and it offers time for my husband to extend grace to me. I wasn’t looking for that grace; I was looking for my own perfection, not taking into account the fact that there may be opportunities for my own growth.

I have 30 days left to go in this journey. The good thing (sort of) is that I’ve already made my mistakes. I’ve already apologized and received forgiveness. I’ve already experienced what I thought might be defeat.

As it happens, I’ve really only just begun to succeed. We aren’t perfect, we aren’t made to be perfect. There are some people who can go a long time without something that is part of their typical life. Apparently, I couldn’t go 10 days without saying something unkind. Truthfully, I think it was about 3 days.

However, now I’m starting to view this as what I actually want it to be - a lifestyle change. Sure, I can probably go for the next 30 days and not say anything unkind (given enough duct tape to keep my mouth shut). And I will keep trying - I’m not giving up.

Chapter 4 of Philippians speaks to my feelings and my heart’s desire right now - specifically verses 4-9:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Instead of viewing perfection as the only success, I’m going to look for where grace is extended, where changes are happening, where God is causing new growth in my life. I’m practicing gratitude, I’m paying attention to the things I think about, I’m looking for the peace that God gives, and I’m asking God to make changes that will last much longer than 40 days!

Perfection cannot be my standard - I will fail.

I’m reminded of that line from Crowder’s song “How He Loves”:

“If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking”

God’s grace is endless, boundless, limitless.

On my own, I fall short. All day. Every day.

I can drown in the ocean of failure, or I can walk on the waters of grace.

I’m choosing grace, friends!

Perfection in marriage is not going to cut it - I want lifelong changes from this challenge, not just changes that will be done when the 40 days are over.

Look for another update in a few more days!

Do you remember your wedding vows? Every part of them? If your vows were anything like the traditional vows, you promised to love and honor for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better…or for worse.

We probably all focused on the “for better” part of it, because we were young, in love, and couldn’t imagine anything major ever going wrong. So how is that we’ve found ourselves here, broken, wondering what has happened to our marriage? And what happens when you feel like you’re stuck in the “or for worse” phase of marriage?

Please note: I do know that there are times when it’s not safe to stay in your marriage.
This post is written from the perspective of being within a safe marriage.
If you are struggling and not in a safe situation, please do get help.

There are 3 easy things that we can do, no matter how broken we may feel, regardless of how topsy-turvy life has become.

Please know - I’m one who has been there, too. I’m not writing from a place of guessing how it is. The truth is, I’ve been there, too. I know how tough this is, I know how hopeless it can feel.

I also know how faithful God is. I know how hard it is to take up your armor each day - how weighty that all feels after a while. But I also know how essential it is, and how God truly does protect us.

I’m sharing at Jen’s blog today, about just what to do when you feel stuck in the “…or for worse…” phase of your marriage. Join us?

original photo source

Have you ever planned something, thinking how well it might work, only to find out it sort of terrifies you in the end? That’s what I’m up against tonight.

A few weeks ago, I was discussing with my husband how keeping up on a certain type of current event really seems to put him in a bad mood. The discussion stemmed out of an earlier discussion he had with some acquaintances. In all my wisdom I suggested that maybe he take a break from this type of current event, just to see what he thought of his own attitude.

I could feel him bristling against my suggestion over the phone - yet he didn’t say no. When I got home later that night, I asked him about it. Turns out he was feeling a little panicky over the situation, so I decided not to press the issue.

A few days later, I decided to revisit the topic. I asked if he’d thought about it at all. He said he had.

I suggested a “fast” of sorts, from this type of news. Coming up to Easter, people often give up a certain food, activity, habit and I suggested that he and I could try this together. He could give up reading about this current event and I could give up…oh, what might I give up?

My mouth ran faster than my brain, which, unfortunately, happens a lot.

What I said was, “You can give up this current event and I can give up saying anything negative to you.”

Now, please don’t get me wrong. My husband’s love language is words of affirmation, and I know this, so I try to speak positively to him. But when my emotions get ahead of me, it doesn’t always work out that way.

He kind of chuckled. Nothing was decided that night, though we both sort of agreed.

One more time, in all my wisdom {sarcasm} I decided to approach the subject. After all, I just want what’s best for him. I asked him if he’d thought about our conversation. He had, and he agreed that we should try this. I asked him if he wanted to pick the thing I should give up. He said that he agreed with my first suggestion - I should give up saying negative and spiteful things.

Which brings me to my next point.

Lent is usually observed for the 40 days leading to Palm Sunday.

When my husband decided that I should abstain from saying negative things, I needed some time. I fluctuated from excitement that he was willing to try giving up his pursuit of current events, to absolute fear that I may really mess this up.

So we are not starting until tomorrow, February 16, which will give us 40 days until Easter. During this time he and I both will focus on this one aspect of our lives that can really make a negative impact on our relationship.

I know people normally give up food, alcohol, a luxury item, swearing - things like that.

The things we’ve chosen to give up are ones that we know (or have had pointed out to us) really impact the other.

We are in a rebuilding phase in our marriage. We’ve had damage done to our relationship and we’re choosing to fight and claw our way through to the other side, both of us doing work in our own lives.

Because of the harsh things that have happened, it’s very easy for me to go into self-preservation mode and not really care how my words impact my husband. After all, he brought the damage to our marriage, shouldn’t he pay some?

While the world says, “YES! He should pay!” and even while I find myself thinking that sometimes, I come back to the thief on the cross.

Jesus could have condemned him - after all, He was fully God. The other criminal was apparently running his mouth, though, throwing insults at Jesus, telling Him to save Himself…and them.

The other thief answered,

Do you not even fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed are suffering justly, for we are receiving what we deserve for our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.
Luke 23: 40,41

Only after his rebuke of the other criminal did he ask Jesus to remember him.

Jesus could have condemned him - the man spoke the words himself: “…we are receiving what we deserve for our deeds….” Jesus could have said to him, “You know what you did - you’re going to depart from me and I will not receive you into my Kingdom.”

What did Jesus say, though?

Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in Paradise.
Luke 23:43

No insults. No snippy remarks. No hot-headed angry rage. No spewing of hatred or condemnation for wrongdoing.

Only grace.

And I’m not there yet. At least, not as much as I want to be.

Most days it is very easy to extend grace to my husband. I have stood up against the enemy’s attacks time after time. I’ve lost a lot. My life has changed.

But in following what God has said to do, I’ve gained more than I could have hoped for.

Self-preservation is a necessary thing at times. Yet, when it changes from self-preservation to attacks on another, I fully believe it is sin. At least in my case, knowing my own heart, my own attitudes and actions.

I have spent the last week or so really getting my heart ready for this. I’ve had some pretty frank discussions with the Lord about how this sort of scares me. I’ve had those same discussions with my husband. I secretly hoped he’d say, “Okay, skip that - how about you give up staying up late instead,” (or provide some other easy way out).

But he hasn’t, and I know the Lord must be chuckling because I offered this giving up of sharp, snide, snippy remarks. Talk about knowing your own weakness…!

So, beginning February 16 and ending on Easter, my husband will give up reading up on, and following, a certain current event, and I will not speak in a negative manner.

It’s funny because we’ve done some hard things together these past 2 1/2 years. In fact, we’re starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and we are rejoicing. This week our entire family was together in church for the first time in a couple years.

Dues and debts to society are being paid. Wrongs are being righted. Attitudes are changing. All of this is a testament to God’s unfailing love. We serve a big God who still - STILL! - brings about redemption.

These snippy remarks I make at my husband - they stem from a fear of the situation that we’ve been walking through.

The reality is, though, that there’s room for only fear - or only faith.

If I want to live in faith, to see my marriage grow, to draw closer to my husband in this season, I have to get rid of these words that have their roots in fear.

These kinds of remarks don’t honor God, they don’t honor my husband, they aren’t an example of what I want my children to say, but most of all, they come from a place of fear.

And guess what?

I don’t live there anymore!

You can read the first update here: When Perfection in Marriage Just Won’t Do

Here are some resources you may appreciate:

The Power of a Praying Wife,

The Power of a Praying Husband

The Power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage

original image source

We’d just finished family fun night and tucked the kids into bed, their emotional tanks filled to the brim. Now it was our time to snuggle and bask in the warm fuzzies of an evening well-done.

Except by now, we were both weary and maybe slightly cranky.

We walked into the bedroom only to find a pile of laundry waiting for us on the bed.

I sighed.

I hadn’t meant to leave it there all day, but like most moms, I just got busy meeting all. the. needs. So there it sat, and as I flopped down to fold it, I spotted The Face, you know- the one that means your husband is a little miffed even if he doesn’t say anything.

Instead of following my better judgment and ignoring The Face, I immediately took offense.

Why in the world should he get mad at me - at least having laundry on the bed means that we actually have some clean laundry, which is no small feat after the week I’ve had! He should be happy that I managed to squeeze in a few loads here and there today. It’s not like I’m the only one in this house capable of folding laundry, anyways!

He should be thanking me!

Am I right, ladies?!

Of course, that line of self-righteous thinking led to an ill-timed argument, and what could have been a beautiful end to the day quickly degenerated into angry words and hurt feelings.

Thankfully, after a long discussion and lots of prayer, we finally came to an agreement and went to bed with clear consciences that night (and folded laundry!).

But it hasn’t always been so easy in our marriage. In fact, we’ve spent so much time just learning how to argue well. That may sound funny, but it’s true!

I used to believe that every argument was a bad argument, and I often still fight that panicky feeling when conflict arises. Lately, I’ve learned that what really matters is not whether we argue or not, but whether or not we resolve the argument.

The truth is that conflict in marriage is unavoidable.

When two sinners join together in holy matrimony, we can hardly expect perfection, yet… we often do.

Part of learning to be a work-in-progress woman is also learning to be a work-in-progress wife, even as a pastor’s wife. I can’t expect perfection from my marriage just like I can’t expect perfection from myself or my husband. Those things just don’t exist on this side of Heaven, and if we believe that they do, then we’ve fallen for the lies of the Enemy just like Even did in the Garden.

What I can expect from my marriage is progress.

And this is where I’ve gone wrong so many times - I’ve failed to recognize that work in progress.

Friends, when you find yourself stuck in a rut in your marriage, look for the progress, large or small. Take notice. Write it down if you must. Reflect back on years prior and ask the Lord to open your eyes to the ways in which the He has changed the both of you.

Yes, you probably aren’t progressing as quickly as you hoped - I get that. Yes, you may struggle to find even a smidgen of progress in your marriage at the moment. But I guarantee that if you are both walking with the Lord, the progress will be there!

“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.” Jn. 15:5 (NASB)

In fact, learning to recognize that work in progress just might save your marriage.

You see, even though my hubby and I successfully resolved our late-night conflict, I was tempted to feel discouraged that we fought in the first place. Has that ever happened to you?

If I give in to that temptation, I grow discontent with what is actually a good thing - progress in the ability to resolve conflict and do so quickly!

Do you see how the Enemy so easily manipulates something good into something negative in my marriage?

Listen up, friends! Once you have asked forgiveness of your Lord and your husband, you have no reason to feel lingering guilt. Lingering guilt comes from selfish pride and Satan, neither of which have the right to rule you anymore as a daughter of the King!

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness.” 1 Jn. 1:9 (NASB)

Don’t give power to the Enemy in your marriage.

Quit looking at all of the wrong in your marriage and start recognizing the right!

I’m not advising you to ignore serious issues but to recognize and celebrate every iota of progress in your marriage.

When you notice the progress you’re both making, you’ll also appreciate him more. The more you appreciate him, the more he’ll appreciate you. Instead of a cycle of guilt and frustration over being “stuck,” you’ll create a cycle of mutual encouragement and cooperation that will propel you right out of that rut.

When you see the progress for yourself, you gain the strength to stay a little longer. You find some tangible hope to cling to.

That’s how learning to recognize progress just might save your marriage.

It happens one hour at a time; then one day at a time; then one week at a time; then one year at a time, until one day you find yourself remarking after a fight, “I’m proud of us!”

Keep your eyes on the progress, friends.

Save your marriage.

Jen
@Being Confident of This

Her question was simple: “Do you think there’s still hope for my marriage?”

So many thoughts came rushing to the front of my mind. I wanted to assure her, but I’m not God. I remembered being at a point in my life where I wanted the same reassurance. Who, but God, can know that answer, though?

As I pondered her question, three thoughts came to my mind.

1. If you are still breathing, there is still hope.

God’s timing isn’t always the same as our timing. Our understanding is finite, whereas God’s is infinite. I know these are basic concepts, but sometimes these are the ones we need to return to, and cling to, as we wait on God.

God’s plan for our lives doesn’t end when we encounter hardship.

John Piper has a quote that I like to think about when I’m wondering if there is still hope:

“God is always doing 10,000 things in your life,
and you may be aware of three of them.”

If you are still breathing, there is still hope.

2. Our hope should not be hinged on our marriage.

Marriage is not the end goal in life. While marriage can certainly be a good thing, it is not the only thing. Marriage gives us a partnership, someone with whom to share a family, a life, even a ministry.

We have to remember, though, that God has a plan for each of us, individually. There can be great support and encouragement within a marriage, and the husband-wife relationship certainly seeks to bring honor to each other. The ultimate goal of a marriage, though, is to continually become more like God.

If marriage ends, if it fails and we end up alone, that does not mean God’s plan is over. Oh, we may feel like it is, but if we wake up tomorrow morning, without our spouse, it’s because God still has a plan for our lives.

Our hope should not be hinged on our marriage, but rather anchored to the Rock.

3. God’s plans are always best.

Friend, please believe me when I tell you that I want, more than anything, to tell you that your marriage can, and will, be restored. I know it’s the answer you’re hoping for. It’s the answer I was hoping for as well.

I can’t promise you restoration in your marriage, though. A friend approached me one day and asked me to pray for reconciliation in her marriage, which I did - faithfully. The reality was that she could only control her actions and reactions within her marriage. As she let God work in her life, she drew closer to Him, and He was faithful in providing the next steps for her. She didn’t get the answer she was specifically praying for, but she trusted God to move her into the next season of life.

God’s not done with you! He’s not done with your spouse either. But in this life, we are only able to control our own choices and actions. We cannot force someone to love us.

We can trust God, though. We can cling to Him with everything in us.

Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.
Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!
Psalm 61:1-4

In both Deuteronomy and Hebrews, we are reminded of God’s promises to never leave us, to never forsake us.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
Romans 8:32

One of the best ways that I’ve found to combat those times of feeling hopeless and alone, when I’m waiting on God to move, wondering what the next steps are, is to worship. I pull out a favorite cd, or turn on some music that I like on Pandora and just listen.

I started asking God to use my pain, to make me a blessing even in the times when I felt I was least equipped to bless others. That’s how I began sharing a little of my story here, from brokenness to overcoming shame, from a time of uncertainty to the point where I could begin to step out in faith.

It turns out I’m not the only one who has been broken by marriage. It also seems I’m not the only one who has seen some redemption and wholeness in my marriage.

I wish I could promise you that - wholeness within your marriage.

That wouldn’t be the best that I could give you, though. I’d be giving you second best, a small sliver of what I could give to you.

Her question was simple: “Do you think there’s still hope for my marriage?”

Here is my answer, after thinking it all through.

I can’t promise you the hope you’re looking for. I really can’t.
I can promise you a better Hope.
Yes, truly - a better Hope.
I can promise you that if the Lord God woke you up today, then HE is NOT FINISHED WITH YOU.
If you are able to draw a breath today, then my God has plans for your life!
You may not be where you want to be, your life may not look like what you want it to look like, but friends, GOD IS THERE WITH YOU.
Cling to Him, find shelter in Him. Let your heart heal, and ask Him to raise you up.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.
Galatians 6:9,10

Receive today as the gift God has given you. Ask Him to heal your hurt.

Ask God to make you a blessing in someone else’s life - ask Him to use you, and then listen for what He says to do. Maybe you can send a card, write an email, smile at someone as you pass them in the parking lot, return the cart for a mom of young ones, share a joke with someone who is also hurting.

Being a blessing does not have to be about changing the world - it has everything to do with being faithful right where God has put you, in your circle of influence. And maybe, just like me, you’re thinking that your circle of influence is tiny - maybe it seems non-existent. I promise you that if you ask God to make you a blessing, He’s going to do it!

Friend, you came looking for hope. Is there still hope?

I don’t know.

But today, I hope you leave with Hope!

“The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.”

I want to share just a few resources that encouraged me as I was working through my own struggles, as I continue to work through this point in my life.

Movies from The Kendrick Brothers:
Facing the Giants
Fireproof
Courageous
War Room

Books/Devotionals:
The Circle Maker
Fervent
When Words Won’t Come by Leah Adams - be sure to visit her blog for encouragement
Trust Without Borders by Arabah Joy - visit her blog for more resources
Look to Jesus by Dawn Klinge - find more from her at her blog