A few weeks ago I wrote Beauty in Brokenness. Two days later, my world, as I knew it, was falling apart in front of my eyes. I had no idea, as I was writing that post, of just how much I would need those words for myself. So much of what I write is for all of you, as I share my life stories and experiences and any bits of wisdom that I might have. I thought I knew brokenness, but I’m really just learning.
This post isn’t going to answer your questions about my brokenness – I’m not there yet. (Please *do* know, though, that we are all healthy, and this is just a personal issue that I am struggling through right now, and in the end, all will be well – because God is here!)
What I am hoping to do here is express a little more of my heart.
In Beauty in Brokenness I shared about how we are broken – but wanted by God; imperfect – yet chosen; we’re claimed, tended and so we flourish.
This has been so evident in my life the past two weeks. I’ve been through every emotion that I could imagine.
I have been in a pit, one that I didn’t put myself into, and one I never wanted to be in. I have wondered where God was and how this could possibly happen to me, even though I realized that the problem was not mine and I owned no part of the problem. Still, how could God let this happen to me?
But – this situation is not about me. It is about someone I love, and God. It touches my life because I love this person, but it is not a punishment for anything I have done, and it’s not a reflection of who I am.
And when I realized that, I found God.
“…because God has said,
‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'”
From the immediate help of the only ones who could truly help me, to the kindness and support of friends who did not understand but came when called. God was there.
God was in the building I had never visited before, with a person I never intended to have to speak with in my entire life, who paid a debt he did not owe, as a symbol of kindness to my family.
God was in a parking lot at a location I’d never been before. Not only was He there, but He was there in the form of a couple who had been together forever. I watched as the husband lovingly took care of the wife – his Veronica. She had some physical and mental issues, but there he was, years later, loving his Veronica. I can’t tell you how much God was in that meeting.
God was in the park where we had dinner with a friend who offered some much-needed support. God was even there late at night, when I could not sleep, and needed a couple of friends.
I was in the pit. I was reaching for hope as I sank farther into the pit. So alone. Desperate to wake up from the nightmare, yet realizing that wouldn’t happen. Careful to protect my children, willing them to unsee what their eyes and hearts had to see. Gasping for breath when the world fell down around me, searching for any part of my heart that was not crushed. Vehemently stuffing every emotion I felt, in order to make it through a day. Begging for sleep to come, though my heart and mind would not stop. Desperate. Sinking. Broken. Ferociously grasping for any hope. Alone.
And yet, not at all alone.
And as I hit the bottom – the place I never planned to be – do you know what I found?
Hope. Not hope, but Hope. Capital H, Hope. Because hitting the bottom means that I landed in the arms of Hope.
And Hope gathers all the pieces of brokenness, carefully cleans them off, lovingly looks at each individual piece, and gently crafts the pieces back together. It’s not the same. What’s been broken can never be put back together without evidence of the damage.
It can’t be the same. I won’t be the same, not ever again.
But by the grace that Jesus brings, the broken can be better.
As God takes my heart, my life, and picks up the pieces that have broken, He is carefully cleaning each jagged and broken piece. He is smoothing the rough edges, He is pouring His love into my life as the glue that will hold each piece together. He is holding me, piece by piece, as I wait on Him to make me whole.
And that’s what God does – and that’s what He promises to do.
I thought I knew brokenness.
I found more of Jesus!