Giving Up On Marriage
“I quit.”
You’ve probably heard it, and you’ve likely even said it. So have I. None of us are alone in feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with life sometimes.
Recently I shared about how so many people tend to be giving up on marriage. For some, it’s a quick choice – it’s not convenient anymore, so they’re gone. For others, it’s a choice that takes a little more time. The grass seems greener with someone else, or they can look at the faults and wrongdoings of their spouse and decide it’s time to move on.
* * * * * * *
Please note: This post is *not* written for those who struggle through abusive relationships.
Sometimes there are situations where you need to get yourself to safety.
You need to find healing and wholeness outside of the home because it’s no longer safe there.
If you find yourself in that spot, please know that
I support you getting the help you need in a safe environment,
which may very well mean leaving your home and your marriage.
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Where is our commitment to fighting for our marriage? Where is that resolve that we once had to stand strong, and keep standing, no matter what?
What do we really lose, or forfeit, if we give up?
I hadn’t thought about it this way until a friend shared thoughts on Facebook. I love that kind of interaction because collectively, we have a lot more wisdom than any one of us on our own.
In John 11, we read the story of Lazarus’ death:
Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”
When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days….
John 11:1-6
The passage goes on to say that by the time Jesus arrived at their house, Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days. Martha talked to Jesus probably as any of us would, saying the things on her heart.
“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”
John 11:21
She expressed what I read as her frustration. “If you’d been here….” She follows it up with her belief in Jesus.
But as the conversation continues, she really expresses her unbelief, her lack of understanding.
To summarize, so far:
Lazarus got sick.
Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus in hopes that He would come heal Lazarus.
Jesus did not come to them right away.
Lazarus died.
Martha expressed frustration (or maybe doubt, or even bewilderment) that Jesus didn’t respond like they thought He should.
They expected he was dead until the second coming.
In the context of the recent post I shared, we talk about continuing to fight for our marriages.
Here’s what my friend shared, that really got me thinking:
Mary and Martha gave up on Lazarus.
Yes, they were siblings. Their relationship is not a marriage relationship.
But, let’s dig deeper.
Lazarus was sick, Mary and Martha sent for help, and when Jesus did not come, and did not respond in the way they thought He should, they gave up on the hope of having their brother with them again.
And that’s where it all came together for me.
Here’s a man who was dead. Dead, dead. He wasn’t just asleep, he was dead.
They had wrapped him in linen.
Martha complained because Lazarus had died, and now she was complaining about the stench that would come if they rolled the stone away.
Jesus was preparing to raise her brother from the dead,
and she was complaining about that, too,
because she had given up!
Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”
John 11:40
They rolled the stone away, Jesus prayed, and He called to Lazarus in a loud voice to come out of that tomb!
And out walked Lazarus, after 4 days of being buried according to the customs and rituals of the time, having been completely dead.
{Probably as dead as many marriages are these days.}
Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”
John 11:44b
Martha and Mary had given up on the hope of life.
Maybe you’ve given up on the hope of life in your marriage.
Maybe your marriage is already dead. Dead dead.
My God is a God of miracles. He raises the dead.
He raised Lazarus, who was so dead that they were concerned about the odor from his death!
My Marriage is Dead
Do you feel this way? Perhaps your spouse has packed up, moved out, filed for divorce, maybe the divorce is even final. You may have reached the point of saying, “That’s it. It’s done. I quit.”
You’ve given up.
If God says to fight for your marriage, you’d better fight!
You’d better storm heaven’s doors on behalf of your spouse, your marriage, and whatever God lays on your heart.
When you give up on your marriage, what you are actually giving up, forfeiting, is the power of God to work in your marriage.
That’s not to say He won’t work anyway, but you are telling God, “No thank you. This is over. It’s finished. It’s dead. You can’t help.”
And along comes someone like my friend to say that Martha and Mary gave up on Lazarus. They stopped fighting on his behalf. They accused, rather than asked for help.
When Jesus finally arrived in town, they didn’t ask for help. Yes, Martha said that Jesus was the Son of God, and that God would give Him what He asked for, but then she complained about the stench that would come if they rolled the stone away.
Friends, we don’t get to decide HOW God works.
If God has told you to fight, though, you’d better fight for your marriage.
It might not make an ounce of sense to anyone but you. God sees your faithfulness, and He knows what He has called you to. He is the only one who can work in death to bring life.
I don’t know where you are on your marriage journey. Maybe your marriage is healthy – praise the Lord! Maybe you have to work very hard at it, but your marriage is surviving. Praise the Lord! Keep working. Pursue God first, and then your spouse, with all your heart!
Maybe you’re considering giving up. Maybe your spouse is. Your marriage isn’t dead but it’s really quite sick.
Perhaps your marriage is already dead by earthly standards. You hold those divorce papers and you have to abide by a ruling that says it’s finished.
Friend, if God says to wait, if He is telling you to hold on, if He is not freeing you from that relationship, these words are for you.
Fight. Keep fighting. Pray. Keep praying.
Don’t listen to everyone who says, “Just let it go.”
Find people who are going to understand.
Find people who will pray with you.
Surround yourself with people who understand
your commitment to marriage for the long haul,
even when it seems to be already dead.
Don’t forfeit God’s power by giving up. Don’t quit before you have a chance to see what God will do in your heart and your spouse’s.
Recent news has been full of negativity with regards to marriage. The example of Christian marriage has been severely tarnished and dragged through the mud.
The enemy would love nothing more than to see people give up, en masse, on the idea of marriage.
And here I am, trying to stick it out. God hasn’t freed me from my marriage; He’s said, “Do not move.“
In fact, God has been saying just one word to me this year: Redemption. He’s helped me learn to stand for redemption.
God is the author of life. He is also the only one who has the final say on death. Hebrews 12:2 refers to Him as “the author and perfecter of our faith.”
Marriage is a covenant relationship, whether or not our society chooses to view it that way. It is a covenant with our spouse, and also with God. He is at the beginning of that covenant, and He will be at the end of it.
Therefore, if God is not letting you out of that covenant, you keep on fighting. Keep on listening to Him, no matter what.
If you need resources, let me know, I can try to find things that will help you.
Don’t give up. Keep fighting. Keep praying.
We serve a God who can raise the dead! I believe it, do you?
This post is an excerpt from Hope for the Hurting Wife. To read more, simply click the image below.
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So, so true. I love your heart to fight for marriages, even when it’s hard and feels overwhelming at times. Thanks for this encouragement!
Thank you, Lauren! Yes, I’m so frustrated with how the enemy is so at work in our marriage, in marriages of our friends and it’s time to say, “No more. These marriages belong to Jesus!
Beautiful, Becky! The enemy wants to take out our covenants – destroy what is good. We need to be diligent in keeping the door closed to him, but wide open for the healing work of Christ! Thank you for your heart!
Hugs,
Lori
Thank you, Lori! I appreciate your wise and kind input on this, to help take the encouragement even farther! thank you, friend!
Thank you so much for this. I had been fighting for so long and I gave up physically, but still hoped for reconciliation. I stopped seeing him and we were living separately. I came across this article and it really pricked my heart. Praise God some improvement has been made. We have a long way to go, but I can just remind myself of what you have said: God is the author of life. He is also the only one who has the final say on death.
Amen! I needed reminded of those words today – thank you for sharing them back to me!
Wow! This came at the perfect time! My husband filed for divorce just before Christms and I have felt to keep fighting even though he insists its absolutely over. I am standing in the gap for my husband and marriage! I’ve been reminded since the separation began about the story of Lazarus. Thank you for this article! Thank you for your ministry! I will keep fighting and keep standing even though my situation seems dead! There is life for my marriage!! I claim victory for it in the name of Jesus!
You know, I’m watching miracles in my life on a daily basis. But I’ll tell you that the best part of all of it is that no matter how our marriages end up, no matter our circumstances, God WILL protect us. He WILL teach us something through it all, and HE will continue to love us! Praying with you!
I think God is speaking to me through you….I’ve spent 2 days in bed sobbing after I finally decided to give up on my marriage. My husband moved out (again) after telling me he loves me but isn’t in love with me after almost 25 years. I would welcome any resources you could send me, and also all the prayers you can lift up on our behalf. This man is my soulmate and heart, and I’m not done fighting yet, even if he is.
I am going exactly through this, the situation I am going through right now is what brought me to our powerful god. When our problems started I thought I could change my husbands mind. I started to pray, throughout my entire day I would just stop and talk to god and I know feel soooo much better, I feel so much more peace in my heart. my husband tells me we’re done, and theirs no point of return for us, but even if he files for divorce or leaves me with our two daughters I will continue to fight the enemy for my home and my husband. I will also never stop looking for a better relationship with God.
Thank You! I needed to hear this!!!!
Hi, I have been reading all your post and they have given me hope. My husband no longer loves me and I am here fighting everyday to save my marriage. If there’s any books or anything else I can do please let me know. I want my marriage but most of all I want my husband back and to love me the way he once did
Oh my goodness Jessica! Your story sounds just like mine! My husband and I have been separated for almost 6 months. He moved out of our home that we share with our two daughters. He is at the point where he wants to start the process of divorce. I’m so defeated. I have prayed every prayer imaginable. I have lost hope. God has told me on two separate occasions to fight for my marriage. I’m just at a lose as to how to continue on.
Oh my, yes!! I have a testimony to this!!
My sweet Aunt, who we just buried, waited ELEVEN years for her husband, my Uncle, to return to their marriage. And the years they had after God reached him were the best ever. She has a Proverbs 31 legacy right now and her husband has nothing but praise and sweet words for her. And their story should be shouted from the rooftops – God restores marriages!!
Thank you for adding your voice to this important fight! <3
The focus cannot be on the “dead body”, but on our Healing Redeemer. No matter the outcome of our circumstances, we cling to the only One who can raise the dead, and that He IS the God who wrote Isaiah 61. As James MacDonald stated on the same topic of Lazarus, “It’s not over until JESUS says it’s over!”
Thanks for sharing, Becky!
“If you give up on your marriage, what you are actually giving up, forfeiting, is the power of God to work in your marriage.” What power and encouragement you are giving women. Because our marriages are worth fighting for. And like anything else in life, there will be good times and bad times. Let’s not give up when we are in the bad times. I remember one lady telling me. Those days when you may not think much of your husband, and on those days there are women out there who would gladly take him and see the good in him and appreciate him more than you. Boy was that a sobering thought. Remember your complaint others may see as a blessing.
I have just been studying this passage of scripture in our Thursday morning bible study. I think the reason why Marry and Martha doubted was because Jesus had never raised someone from the dead after so many days before. Mary and Martha had no example to go by or even understanding of God’s power in this situation. I think that’s why it’s so important to share our stories of redemption and forgiveness. If we see God’s power in others then we can know He can do the same in our lives. We don’t know what God can do.
Great insights. I believe in fighting for our marriages.
Wow!Im glad that I got to see this – I asked my husband for a divorce on the 8 October 2017, I was in a very bad space, I was hurt , in pain and very far from God. He moved out in November. Things got so bad that we have now sold our home and I am sitting with signed divorce papers that I cant file-and now it makes sense because its Gods way oftelling me to fight. My husband keeps telling me that he can forgive and that I should go ahead with the divorce but I cant. My mom also thinks I should leave my husband because of the things we have been through it would be best. But something is stopping me. In this time I have been finding my way back to God. I’m still hurt by the things that happened in our relationship but I am praying about and slowly forgiving and asking for forgiveness.Waiting in the “gap” of my marriage is one the hardest things to do but I want to be the testimony that God “raises the dead to life.” Please help me pray and will pray with you guys too.
Praying for you. I’ve thought it thru but I haven’t left yet. I’m just tired of fighting alone.
Me too, Sofia, me too.
This says so much to me. I am at the point of giving up. My husband embarrasses me in public by emotionally degrading me. He will not let my now adult sons in our house from a former marriage, and tells me he doesn’t trust me every day. I don’t know if I will stay.
Please offer more passages, I’m currently fighting for our marriage. I’ve been convicted and committed to staying but my husband doesn’t think our marriage is repairable.
I just came across this on Pinterest and read though it and also read all of the comments. My wife and I of almost 19 years are also going through difficult challenges. She has told me she loves me, but is no longer in love with me which is so heart breaking. We have been faithful to each other and are honest to each other. We have 3 teenage boys. I have asked God why are we going through such hurt and pain. I think God puts us through things to show us something I believe he is doing this to draw us back to him and to remind our sons of how important a relationship with God is. I will keep fighting and praying for my wife and my family I will not let the enemy take hold of what God has created. I keep coming back to this song I heard a couple of weeks ago that said ” I will praise you in the storm” And that’s what I am doing I put it before God because he can work miracles. I will continue to love God , love my wife and love my sons.
Hello, I’m so sorry to hear of what has happened in your marriage. I’ll be praying with you, trusting the Lord to work in your wife’s heart. In the meantime, if you’re interested in a group for men, the husband of a couple I know just started this group: Husbands of Integrity.
He and his wife run Fulfilling Your Vows. It might be a good opportunity for you to connect with other men, and to keep learning and growing in your faith as you wait on God’s work in your wife’s heart.
Please know I’m praying with you.
I am going through a rough time in my marriage my husband has moved out and said that he wants a divorce
I also came across this on Pinterest and I too am going through a very painful time in my marriage. My husband and I have been distant for a while but never in a million years would I have ever imagined being where we are today. My husband put himself in a situation where he was unfaithful and is stating he has feelings for this other woman. He has recently moved out and I am having the hardest time ever. I too have reconnected with my faith and through my prayer feel the strength to not give up and fight for my marriage. I must be honest I find myself feeling weak and in despair. I’ve questioned me and why this is happening. I have put my marriage in the Lord’s hands and this message has brought some comfort. Thank you and I ask you keep my marriage in your prayers as well.
Every single word spoke to me. This was confirmation, a reminder of God telling me he is with me, to keep fighting.
I also just came across this pin and my wife of nearly 20 years asked me to move out about 6 months ago. We are living seperatly and she has filed for divorce. I know I was lacking as a husband but I desperately wanted to repair our marriage. We have to young children and it breaks my heart to see the pain in them and our family. I dont know what to do. Any prayer and resources you could offer would be appreciate.
My husband and I have been separated for 4 months now. Recently he told me that we are canceling our divorce (which I keep asking him to not go through divorce and try to work it out) and that we should work together raising our children together but not living together. He also told me that he broke up with his girlfriend. We discussed what going to be our living condition and we decided that he’s gonna help me with our children as I work and his mom would come and help too but when we started talking about giving me child support everything changed. Now he won’t talk to me and he said we should continue with the divorce since it’s already in process. I am so heart broken and ask God if I should give up, then I read this article and gave me hope and encouragement to Fight for my marriage and not let the enemy win against me and my husband. I will continue to pray and put my faith to the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you.
My marriage has died already, but I would love nothing more than for it to be brought back from The dead. I love my wife more than life it’s self! And we have a 4 year old amazing little boy, and the pain he that he had ALREADY gone through has been the most crippling sadness that I’ve EVER felt. But in a close second would be that my wife has already moved on from our relationship. And I don’t know what to do to be honest because I had EVERY SINGLE intension to be with her for the rest of my life. Yea I know our marriage didnt have the decades of history that many of the stories given have had, but I loved my wife with all my heart, and I STILL do. Even though it’s been over a year since we were together last. And our divorce was just finalized the first week of September. But I just CAN’T give up on my son having his family together… And my marriage being a once in a lifetime thing. Because when I said my vows and chose to have a child I did it with full intentions of it being for life. But we’ll see, maybe it will be one of those eleven years later, find our way back together. Ha who knows. But please if you happen to remember or think about us later as well. Your prayers would mean the world to us. And I’ll keep you all in my prayers. Thank you for your stories and the message to begin with. I’ll keep hoping because I have no choice, compromise wasn’t in my plans on my wedding day… 😉
I’d like to come to all of you here and ask for prayers. Recently my husband has began to feel very lost and confused with everything in his and our lives. I see that he is lost the peace he once had is fading, the joy and love he’s always had for life is not as strong as it once was. I suffered greatly for about 12 years fighting depression, anxiety, hurt, confusion and anger that I lashed out on him for. We have been together since 2007, had a child together while still in high school. We decided to try to work it out and be together. I just recently accepted that I did have problems and needed to get help about 1-2months a go. I have slacked for a long time in my Faith, life and just everything. I’ve began to pray very often, especially when I start feeling anger or sadness or any negativity. I have seen a Dr and am currently on medicine for anxiety and depression, I have been feeling much better. I feel more in control of my actions and words. I’m not perfect I know this. I just found out that my husband has been feeling the way that he has, we’ve talked and he’s hurting badly I see it and I am doing my best to be there for him and get him the help he needs. I got out of him a few nights ago he has been texting with a woman he worked with a few times and they have been talking. I am hurt by this but I am not angry. I am praying and daily forgiving myself for my own past and to forgive him and be there for him while he is struggling. I’m not saying what he is doing is right, I understand 100% he is in the wrong right now. I’m just hurting right now for him, he has never been the type to put himself before anyone, if someone needs help or anything he jumps to help even when he is exhausted. The way he has been recently is not who or how he is, I desperately want him to cut ties with this woman, I’ve told him not only out of respect to me and that we are married still, but for himself because I don’t feel like any choices, relationships or decisions he makes while he is feeling as lost as he is will not be healthy for him in the long run if he does not first better himself. I just need prayers for him especially and for myself and my son to be able to just love him, forgive him and be there for him because I know he needs us more than ever right now. Pray for my son, he’s hurting right now, he feels confused and angry with his Father right now. He is 11 and I know he doesn’t understand right now fully that how his daddy is feeling right now is clouding his judgement and he is not trying to hurt either of us. He keeps saying things that he has never said or thought towards anyone much less his dad. I know he needs time and he has a lot of emotions right now, I’ve been making it a point to be honest with him and telling him that I understand that what daddy is doing is not right or okay, but I need you to try to understand that he is lost right now in life. He is hurting just like you are right now, I am not angry at him and I would never hate him. We’ve only recently got married July 14, 2018 through our church. I feel like the Devil is trying very hard and has partially gotten into our marriage through him having these feelings and thoughts right now which lead to him talking to another woman. I have spoken to him and I understand my faults for how I was before and that I know it took a lot from him to stay by me, I was scared to admit I needed help, that I was depressed and felt like my mind was always working against me. He has told me he sees that I am changing and getting better, I genuinely feel better. I just want that for him for himself first, and if it’s Gods plan for us and our son as well. Please keep my family in your prayers, I know the only things the Devil comes to do is kill, steal and destroy. I refuse to allow him to do or take any of our blessings and joy for life right now. Amen, Amen, Amen!!