The Comeback of My Joy

It’s pitch black, but I’m wide awake. I should be long asleep, but I’m savoring the goodness of my life. The celebration of another year is deep in my heart. When life knocked me down recently, I knew I wouldn’t die but I didn’t know if I would ever fully live again. There was one phrase that kept coursing through my brain: “…God is setting up everything for the comeback of your joy.” I had no idea what it meant in my life, yet it lingered. When verses, prayers and encouragement escaped my mind, “the comeback of my joy” was often my very next thought.

This was the day that we celebrated two family birthdays - my son’s and mine. We share a birthday and today was the day we celebrated with our family. My first little son, less than twenty-two inches long when he was born, now stands taller than me at fifteen years old.

This was also the day that I let go of one last part of my life that just doesn’t seem to be working out right now. I spent a lot of time writing out my thoughts and feelings, but they were not conveyed. Instead, my letting go was a simple request, just one sentence. Sometimes we have to get it all off our chest, out of our system, in order to truly move on, to truly move forward.

I’ve heard people say that real life starts at 40. You’ve grown out of the “what ifs” of your 20s, you’ve moved through the early stages of parenting or career or growing into the life you’re making in your 30s. And then 40 comes, and you begin to settle into the life you and God are creating.

I’m turning 40 this year.

I have let go of everything outside of my family that used to be a part of my life.

And at midnight, I’m wide awake, looking into the darkness, just a street light here and there to illuminate my thoughts.

I’m in my room while my husband sleeps. My sons sleep in their room, growing up too fast, and my daughter is in her room where she likes a strand of white twinkle lights as her nightlight.

Peace has settled into our house.

All is well.

Our house turns 9 years old on April 28. If these walls could talk they would tell of a guy who walked in during construction, asked how to get in touch with the owner or sales manager, and how God even worked out getting this particular house. And a few months later, after much paperwork, many numbers crunched, phone calls galore, inner workings that I can’t begin to imagine, the papers were all signed, the money was paid, and the keys were handed over to our hands, by the grace of God.

When it’s still and quiet on spring and summer nights at our house, you can hear a variety of animals - ducks, bullfrogs, cats, dogs, birds and more. And in the way-too-early-morning, the woodpeckers awaken us, the birds sing sweetly to one another, the mama birds flutter to and fro finding food for their young.

After beautiful, warm months, the green gives way to the splendor of fall. The leaves turn bright colors and fall softly, revealing the homes of the birds who sang us awake each morning. And I’m in awe of a God who creates so intricately, so magnificently that every animal has a home, cares for its young, reminds us of a Creator.

In winter, the kids sled down a small hill in our back yard that really sends them flying when the snow is packed just right. Small feet in big boots trudge up one side of the hill, leading the sled, as they prepare for their next fast venture down the hill.

And now, at 40, after facing the possibility of losing all of this - the home that was delivered gracefully to us, the splendor of the seasons in this home, even the family who sleep peacefully inside these walls - I’m awake, looking out into the darkness, marveling at these gifts that God has given.

Yes, there was loss - friendships, relationships, ministry opportunities, security, peace of mind.

But, oh, friends, at every step there was Jesus.

And faith.

And hope.

The setbacks were big - strong and mighty.

But God built a fortress around my heart. I believe that the blessings inside the fortress are the ones that are needed. And the ones I’ve had to let go of - well, just a reminder that God is painting a bigger picture that is moving in a new direction.

The losses have been mourned greatly, the healing has taken time, the letting go has been difficult.

But my faith has never wavered.

“There is faith that in the midst of the setbacks,
God is setting up everything for the comeback of your joy.”
-Ann Voskamp

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13,14

Friends, maybe you are in the fight of your life.

Stay the course.

Theodore Roethke says this -

The path over your mountain is ahead. You keep following God’s leading. You keep moving at the pace that He requires of you.

If He is asking you to give up something, to step out of what was the familiar and into a life different from what you planned, trust Him.

Why?

I love this reminder from John Piper:

“God is always doing 10,000 things in your life,
and you may be aware of three of them.”

At 40, I have crossed the mountain - at least, that particular mountain. And while it’s true that we are only aware of a few things that God is doing in our lives, I am thrilled that I get to see God at work in my life and in the lives of my precious family.

Have faith, friends. Have courage for the hard times, and remember that God is at work, even if you can’t see it today.

In the wee hours, in the darkness of night, here I am, wide awake.

God has set everything up for the comeback of my joy!